Learning to Ask

So... It's hard for me to accept money gifts - it's hard for me to accept people taking me out to eat, or spur of the moment saying they're going to buy me something I said I like, but don't want to spend the money on just yet. It's the attitude of, "I can do it myself." and God has been breaking me of it. Slowly... Because even the other night I told my nurse, "No thank you." when she offered to buy me a snack - and when she insisted, I replied as I should've, "Thank you very much." It was an act of appreciation. It was the last time I'll be working with her for the summer. It was an act of kindness. I'm relearning to respond with simple gratitude when people give to me. Because honestly - I love it. When I let go of my misguided attitude, I am filled with gratitude.(That didn't meant to rhyme, but it did, so there ya go...) I love when people show their care for me by giving - perhaps because I love giving spur of the moment gifts so much myself. Now why is this on my mind this morning? I almost didn't do a GoFundMe page. After praying about it, I even opened an account - but then I stopped. "God. I can do this myself," I remember praying... and to try to be in the right spirit, I added, "I'm willing to give up this much to do this ministry You called me to." I didn't feel at peace about that prayer... but I was stubborn. When I was at my best friend's house about a week later, she told me, "You should start a GoFundMe." I had to sigh and laugh and tell her that God and I had been talking about it... And so I would make one... and regularly share it. And try... I would trust Him with this. I'm thankful I did. I kept telling Him, "Whatever I raise is more than I thought I would." ... Sometimes I feel God must simply smile at me and go, "Watch Me." I've raised so much more than I thought I would. People who I hardly know - people I //don't// know - people who I wouldn't ever have expected to give to me - and people I love and know - have blessed me. Last night I almost cried. This morning too. It's an overwhelming sense of, "Wow.... Wow..." Thank you to each of you who have asked about my summer, encouraged me to show the love of God, prayed with me, promised to pray for me, or given to my fund. All of life is a mission field. My nursing home job - these trips - everyday life - are all opportunities to show people who Jesus is. I find that rather humbling - for all the times I haven't spoken, and in the way that God can use me as I am - and exciting - because there is so much good left to be done and God knows what He is doing. I trust that God is going to do beautiful things this summer. Pray that God would overwhelm us with a sense of His Love and Joy - so starkly in contrast, that the world won't be able to help but stop and wonder. In Christ, ~ZA

Dear 21 Year Old

I'm 21 today - January 5, 2016... this is strange sort of letter I wrote to myself - from the outside, looking in...

 A letter to remind myself.

* * *

      Dear 21 year old... I keep looking at where you are today and smiling. You smile back in your wild sort of way - where your eyes scrunch, you show all your teeth, and you look as if you might start laughing. 20-year-old you - me - has lived her year... Now it's time to walk into a new one.

   Today's not where you dreamed to be - and yet I think you're fairly content with where you are.

      I know where you wanted to be... As a little girl, all you ever wanted to be was a mother someday. You never had another answer - even when the other little girls wanted to train horses, or be a doctor, or design clothes... Always your answer was, "I want to be a mama like mine someday."

      Even when you hid that answer with, "I don't know what I want to be" because some people didn't accept your answer - you still believed deep down that that's what you wanted to be.

        I still see that girl... dear little 21 year old, I see that little girl in you. But she's grown up a lot. She has not given up on that hope, but she no longer feels like she's waiting. She is not waiting for life to begin - she is living life as it comes. She has become a lover of people in different ways that fill her heart. She is content most days - and loud, and joyful - and some may even say a she's a little bit weird... but she's happy with that too. (Haha - Honestly I think she's rather comfortable with the term "weird".)

    She's looking at this next year and seeing the ways she can serve. She's ready to run into this new year... She's not so worried about the future she used to cling to - if she'll ever be married to someone who will be her best friend and leader, or have children to love, or if she'll get to homeschool those little ones. She's not so fearful about the future because she's trying to pray about the present... She's finally realized that God can and does mightily use her outside of her plans... She's finding His plans are more than she imagined - deeper, wider, better - more.

    I saw her the other day laughing... because she was marveling at the enormity of God. I saw her standing in the rain with her hands above her head. I saw her singing at the top of her lungs. I saw her fiercely hugging someone precious to her. I saw her loving the people she has in her life... I saw her feeling more alive than ever, because she's found herself wrapped closer to God.

     She's not perfect... and I've seen her struggle. I've seen her cry. I've seen her whisper, "It's too much. I'm afraid." I've seen her bend under weight she isn't meant to carry, and  I've seen her angry - though she doesn't let most people see it. I've seen her weary and discouraged. I've seen her lose sight of the basic truth - that God loves her immensely more than she can comprehend...

     And then again - I've seen God bring her through each part of that. I've seen God bring friends to tell her God's grace. I've seen God answer her seemingly littlest prayers because He cares; and I've seen Him answer prayers she never thought to hope for. I've seen God teach her about hope again and again. I've seen God send her blessings and hold her when she's cried. I've seen God remind her to run to Him in times of struggle - and given her words to remind others. I've seen God be faithful to her... and I know He'll continue to be.

      I see that little girl grown up... I see you little 21 year old...

      At fourteen years old, you wrote a letter to your 20 year old self, and tied it up with string. These were the last words of the letter:

As you go into this next year, I want you to ponder that question.

Are you living your Christian life to the fullest?

And what does that look like?

      To you - to me - to the person who's reading this right now -

      Don't be afraid to walk into this next year. I know there are uncertainties you don't know how to face but you are standing beside a God who keeps His promises - a God who swears by Himself because He is so great. 

Look at the way He Loves you. 

Pray, believing that He's a loving Father who wants to hear you.

Run with joy next to Him.
Sit in trust at His feet.

Dance in delight on the days He gives you that strength.

 Be a light that others see Jesus reflected in... 

and stop trying to do things in your own strength. 

Willing as a little child, grasp tight again to the nail scarred hands 

of your Father who knows the way. 

He will never let you go, and He wants you to remember 

He is with you - no mater where you are today... 

Dear little child of God - when you're trusting in the Almighty, the best is yet to come. 

~Ophelia - Marie Flowers

I Don't Want To Grow Up - Beyond Dreaming

      This is the first post of a blog series based on my poem  "I Don't Want To Grow Up". I don't want to become so "grown up", that I no longer dream, care, play, hope, or wonder anymore. 

I don't want to be so "grown up" that I no longer dream.

I don't want to stop dreaming

Because I care so much what others think

And I must follow them.

      I've been asked many times why I haven't decided to go to college (- Though I did go to community college for about a month to become certified as a nurse aid -) and get a degree in something. People give me funny looks when I say, "I wouldn't want to spend all that money unless I was sure I want to go into a profession, and what really want to do is be a homeschooling mom someday." Some people raise their eyebrows a bit when I tell them what a nurse's aid does, and how I feel I can best be a servant by caring for those who can't care for themselves. Some people wonder why the thought of raising children and homeschooling is so important to me. Not everyone understands, and that is okay.

        I am well aware not all of my dreams are easy, but there is a tug on my heart to do them. One step at a time I am going to seek to be an encouragement to others, and work to the best of my abilities to shine God's love. If that means being different than other nineteen year olds, so be it.  ;)

       I don't want to stop dreaming so I can run with everyone else. People can pick at my sometimes optimistic attitude, but I'm not afraid to stand out. Yes, dreams can change, God can open and close doors, and He doesn't always give us what we think we want, but I'm prayerfully trying to go forth in obedience. 

      Don't believe you can't do something, just because there are setbacks, or people who challenge your thought process. Do listen to reasonable objections, spend a lot of time in prayer and reading the Bible, and seek council from trustworthy people, but don't believe that, "Well almost everyone else does it this way," means that you have to do just the same. 

I don't want to push my dreams into a corner

And strive for level ground

Because that's what some are doing.

       "Just get by,"  - That seems to be the attitude so many people have. "Do what you have to, but no more or you're letting people use you." I wonder - how many opportunities we miss in life because we are too afraid or lazy to do things that are difficult, or don't seem to have easy reward? What if, when we felt God's calling, we answered with, "Here I am, send me!" (Isaiah 6:8) instead of telling God that wasn't what exactly we had in mind. God can send us blessings we didn't even think to dream about when we're willing to go where He wants us. 

     Don't be afraid to do what God impresses on your heart. You're never "too young" , "too old", "too inexperienced", to serve the Lord. You will have seasons of waiting, times of discouragement and questioning, and days that seem more than you can handle, but don't always look for the easy way out. Seek God in prayer and ask for His strength and peace to do the things He wants you to do, and for discernment as you go forward. If God places something on your heart, listen to His guidance. He may have you wait for a long time before He grants you the ability to follow it, but don't settle for less because you feel small. God is so much bigger than we can fathom.

      Dream dreams that will take work, time, and patience - and put your heart into them. We can all chase our small dreams - what about the dreams that take self sacrifice? 

I don't want to leave my goals

To die in the dust

Just because the world won't support them.

        I love to dream. I love crazy, hopeful, silly dreams that sometimes are only sorta based in reality. I love important, life changing, longing dreams that make me feel small, but remind me how much bigger God is. I love dreaming about the things I plan to do, and then  creating and meeting goals to reach them. I love "plotting", planning, and wishing. I love dreams that seem a little crazy, but that I want enough to jump for - like visiting  J. Grace Pennington  for a week in Texas all by myself, though we'd never met face to face before, or taking on the seemingly daunting process of self publishing. I love seeing the outcome of so many of the dreams I've dared to reach for, as precious reminders that God listens.

        People may not understand  - "Why would you fly all the way to Texas to stay with a family you've never really met?" ... "Why would you self publish when you're so young and inexperienced?" ... "Why do you keep hoping for things that may never happen?" - but trying is sometimes half the battle. Yes, dreams don't always work out and plans fall through, but we'll never know if we don't try... and I don't think we'll try often, if we don't first dream... 

I don't want to grow out of dreaming-

High, bright, full of wonder-

The type of dreaming that makes my heart soar,

Wrapped in the knowledge

God is guiding me.

        I think too many dreams die before we even start because we don't put our hope in the One who can do all things. God is with us - why shouldn't we dream? Why shouldn't we continually ask for His blessing as we seek to live for Him? Why do we mentally limit what we think God can do? 

May this be our prayer,

"All of my plans, all of my dreams

 I lay them down before Your feet

All of my time, all that was mine 

I now submit to Your design

'Cause You are the one and only one 

Who dared to give it all away for me."

        He is in control, and though I must give my dreams over to Him time and again, I know they are safest in His hands. I love talking to God in almost childish delight about the things I'm dreaming of and watching Him work. He sometimes tells me 'no', or 'wait', but plenty of times in my short life I've seen how much wiser He is than I am. Even when it's difficult to let go, I want to rest all my dreams in Him. He is the reason I can dream.

Strangely Dim, Francesca Battistelli

This is one of my rings that I wear pretty much all the time.

I don't want to stop dreaming

Because I care so much what others think

And I must follow them.

I don't want to push my dreams into a corner

And strive for level ground

Because that's what some are doing.

I don't want to leave my goals

To die in the dust

Just because the world won't support them.

I don't want to grow out of dreaming-

High, bright, full of wonder-

The type of dreaming that makes my heart soar,

Wrapped in the knowledge

God is guiding me.

Now my question for you is: How will you dream?

~Ophelia - Marie

You Are Fearfully And Wonderfully Made

"I am as my creator made me, and since He is satisfied, so am I."  Minne Smith

"You are special."

 

"You are awesome."

 

"You have certain gifts and talents God gave you to use for His glory."

"There is no one on this planet quite like you."

You've probably heard at least some of this before but how far do you accept it?

After all:

You have struggles. You have fears. You have failed at many things. You have feelings of inadequacy at times. There are millions of people on the planet, and you are just another one. . . .

But guess what? You are human, and we all have struggled with this in one form or another. It's the voice of our enemy, Satan, whispering:

"You'll never match up to the standard."

"You'll never make a difference."

"You're never going to make it."
"You might as well give up."

"You aren't good enough."

 

                                                Listen, God made you.

 

You, reading this right now.

He created you and calls you fearfully and wonderfully made.

He made you just the way you are.

Your quirks, personality, looks, and all the little details that make up you, He planned out.

Dreams, hopes, questions, fears: He knew you'd have them.

Your good days and bad days: they all were written in His book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:14-16

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
 

     We are fallen, and each have areas in our life that we need to work on. By the grace of God, those who believe on Him are being sanctified to be more and more be like Him. If you don't think you have "arrived" in your life, that is a good thing - everyone has something to learn and has struggles they need to work through. . . Yet, don't use that as an excuse to belittle yourself - a specially designed creation of God.    

       We each have something to offer God. Your gifts and talents were given to you to use for His glory, in whatever sphere of influence He has placed you. Some days you may feel you're not in a position where you can make a difference, but listen to me, God can use you. Be open to His prompting, be willing to do whatever He asks, love those who it's hard to even get along with, be a witness in the little ways you treat those around you.

       Read Jeremiah 1:4-10 and Judges 6 - God uses the young and those who feel unqualified. He understands our weakness, but He tells us to go in the strength that He gives us.

       Your gifts are not, not, not worthless or unnecessary. God calls you to use them, bring Him glory through them, and enjoy them.  Don't belittle your gifts EVER. Instead remember that they are all to God's glory, and He has a purpose for giving them to you. Love to do what you are good at, work at becoming better in the areas you can improve, and share what you do with others.

 Since God made you, you are as He planned. True, you have work to do in your life, we all do, but as of right now I'm telling you to remember God never makes mistakes. . . He's got more plans for you than you can imagine, and

He knows how all of this is going to turn out. 

So take a deep breath -

And trust Him.

He won't let you down.


~Ophelia - Marie

 

 

Here are three blog posts that I'd recommend:

 Perspective, By Rachel Coker
 Beautiful?, By Calista Beth.
Dear Low Self-Esteem , By Kaitlyn/Airianna

And, while I've still got you here - these songs are always really encouraging to me:



 

"You're worth it, you can't earn it.
Yeah the Cross has proven
That you're sacred and blameless,
Your life has purpose -

You are more than flesh and bone,
Can't you see you're something beautiful?
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe!
He wants you to see, He wants you to see!
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known.
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for." -Someone Worth Dying For

 

 

Because I Prayed For A Blessing

     Now, I know I said that this blog wasn't for poetry, but bear with me, this is where I feel this story really begins.

 I Want A Blessing

 8:51 AM 10/18/2010 
 

I really want a blessing, whatever You may choose.

 I'm ready for a blessing, even if I have to loose.

I really want a blessing, whatever it may be.

I'm ready to grow, please put Your hand on me.

I really want a blessing, whatever I must do.

 I want to be better; help me grow in You.

I really want a blessing, whatever it will take.

I want to learn about You, and never to be fake.

I really want a blessing, whatever be the cost.

 I want to be like You, and give love to lost.

I'm not asking for pain or hardship, but still I want to grow.

Whatever it takes to get there, You'll give me grace to go.

    I was fifteen, and this was my prayer to God. My dad had recently said in one of his sermons that God has blessing for us, but often we don't ask Him for them. Not long after I prayed this prayer, my dad brought up the subject of me perhaps working at a camp for the summer.

    Let me tell you, ha, I was scared of the thought of leaving my family for the summer and going to a completely unfamiliar place. I'd never been away from my family for any longer than a week, and the times I had been away it was always with people I knew well. Besides me being nervous though, there wasn't much reason not to apply, so I filled out the paper work... for awhile, mentally, I didn't consider it actually happening. Imagine my surprise when I was asked to come work for the summer...


   By the time I left, I was sixteen and was assigned to work in the kitchen. I learned so much in that first summer at Grace Adventures. (Enough to probably write several blog posts on.) Many times I was forced from my comfort zone and had to step up and do things that I found hard. Those I worked with supported and encouraged me to let others see the real me... to have fun and laugh and, while doing my best, not always take everything I did so seriously. ;)

I went back again in 2012 and grew in other ways... patience was a big one... accepting that things weren't always going to work out the way I wanted them to was another. The ministry of Grace Adventures blessed my life so much... and it all started with the little innocent prayer of, "God, I want a blessing."

    Understand this - if you honestly tell God that you want to do things for Him, you'll be amazed at the doors He opens. Be careful what you pray for.

   In February of this year, as I began to try and figure out what I was going to do for the summer, I asked God for a blessing. I told Him I wanted a way to serve Him and be challenged, and if He'd open doors I would go through them - whether that meant a third summer at camp, or something totally new. A few days later my dad brought home an application to the Board Walk Chapel in New Jersey. (How does my dad end up doing these things - I don't know. o.O)

     Again, like the first time I got an answer to this kind of prayer, I was scared. 'God? You want me to try this?' I already knew the answer; I had prayed and He had responded. There was somewhere between a mix of awe of Him and doubts in myself as I said yes...

     In March I found out my application was accepted, and began raising support and planning for the trip. That was when I had to stop mentally thinking of it as a 'maybe' kind of thing, and throw myself into the fact that this was coming up and would be here fairly soon.

     Perhaps you're a little bit curious about what I'll actually be doing. Here are the goals of the chapel:

    It is the goal of this work to glorify God by proclaiming the Gospel so that people are brought to Christ and added to the church. Specific goals for this year:

• To train 25 people in the work of evangelism
• To distribute 10,000 tracts
• To distribute Bibles and Christian books
• To present the Gospel through personal contact to a least 2,000 people
• To have our home missionaries follow-up meaningful contacts

   So, I'll be learning to evangelize (there will be two weeks of training) and implementing what I learn. A Night On The Boards, is two articles that give a "brief look at what it is like to talk with people on the Wildwood Boardwalk". I will also be trying to find a part time job for during the day.
    
 Tomorrow, I'll be getting on a plane and be off to start this new adventure. I'm still a little bit apprehensive, but I know God is going to do good things through this. I asked Him for a blessing - I can't wait to see the ways He challenges, grows, and teaches me over the next 12 weeks.

~Ophelia - Marie

 

 

(I will be posting on my blog while I'm away since I've stock piled several posts. :) )

 

My Friends Aren't Mine

   I've been eighteen since January fifth and since that time I've decided on what I think is one of the biggest downfalls of growing up:

   The changing of friendships.

   My friends are busier now and trying to schedule time to see each other is a task in and of itself. One of my friends is going off to a mission school for a year in another state, a few others are starting to talk about college, and another friend had to go away for a month unexpectedly. There have been a few times when I cried selfish tears of 'but what about me?' , with ungrounded thoughts of them forgetting me, or never seeing me. Sure, I am so proud of them as I see their love for God, and their passion to follow after where they feel Him leading, but the fearful side of me still plays on my doubts. Let's face it - I didn't want things to change.

   God challenged my thinking with a continuous thought that wouldn't go away.

   'They aren't yours, Ophelia.' He seemed to be saying. 'They are Mine'.

   'But You gave them to me!' I protested, playing over and over the memories we had created together. Our laughing. . . inside jokes. . . questions we had. . . times we prayed for each other with tears. . . how we said we'd always be close. . . Quieter now, 'You gave them to me. . '

   'And now I have other plans for them.'

   After a time filled with prayer (and I admit, some more crying) it finally began to set in. They are God's -not mine. When He placed them in my life, He knew just how they'd effect me, cause me to grow, and fill my heart with joy and sometimes pain. He is right now directing us to where we need to be in our young lives and I've gotta face the fact that my friendships with each of these special people is going to look different.

    And that's okay.

   Change isn't always bad. It's just. . . different. That difference doesn't mean loss of my friendships, it means stepping back a bit as God leads each of us. Yeah, I know I'll miss them, but hey, Love isn't selfish. Since I love them, I'm going to pray for God's best for them - even if it means He moves some of them far away. I'm excited to watch what God is going to do in the coming months and years. I trust Him. My friends aren't mine - they belong to Him, and He loves them so much more than I do.

~Ophelia - Marie