Dear 21 Year Old

I'm 21 today - January 5, 2016... this is strange sort of letter I wrote to myself - from the outside, looking in...

 A letter to remind myself.

* * *

      Dear 21 year old... I keep looking at where you are today and smiling. You smile back in your wild sort of way - where your eyes scrunch, you show all your teeth, and you look as if you might start laughing. 20-year-old you - me - has lived her year... Now it's time to walk into a new one.

   Today's not where you dreamed to be - and yet I think you're fairly content with where you are.

      I know where you wanted to be... As a little girl, all you ever wanted to be was a mother someday. You never had another answer - even when the other little girls wanted to train horses, or be a doctor, or design clothes... Always your answer was, "I want to be a mama like mine someday."

      Even when you hid that answer with, "I don't know what I want to be" because some people didn't accept your answer - you still believed deep down that that's what you wanted to be.

        I still see that girl... dear little 21 year old, I see that little girl in you. But she's grown up a lot. She has not given up on that hope, but she no longer feels like she's waiting. She is not waiting for life to begin - she is living life as it comes. She has become a lover of people in different ways that fill her heart. She is content most days - and loud, and joyful - and some may even say a she's a little bit weird... but she's happy with that too. (Haha - Honestly I think she's rather comfortable with the term "weird".)

    She's looking at this next year and seeing the ways she can serve. She's ready to run into this new year... She's not so worried about the future she used to cling to - if she'll ever be married to someone who will be her best friend and leader, or have children to love, or if she'll get to homeschool those little ones. She's not so fearful about the future because she's trying to pray about the present... She's finally realized that God can and does mightily use her outside of her plans... She's finding His plans are more than she imagined - deeper, wider, better - more.

    I saw her the other day laughing... because she was marveling at the enormity of God. I saw her standing in the rain with her hands above her head. I saw her singing at the top of her lungs. I saw her fiercely hugging someone precious to her. I saw her loving the people she has in her life... I saw her feeling more alive than ever, because she's found herself wrapped closer to God.

     She's not perfect... and I've seen her struggle. I've seen her cry. I've seen her whisper, "It's too much. I'm afraid." I've seen her bend under weight she isn't meant to carry, and  I've seen her angry - though she doesn't let most people see it. I've seen her weary and discouraged. I've seen her lose sight of the basic truth - that God loves her immensely more than she can comprehend...

     And then again - I've seen God bring her through each part of that. I've seen God bring friends to tell her God's grace. I've seen God answer her seemingly littlest prayers because He cares; and I've seen Him answer prayers she never thought to hope for. I've seen God teach her about hope again and again. I've seen God send her blessings and hold her when she's cried. I've seen God remind her to run to Him in times of struggle - and given her words to remind others. I've seen God be faithful to her... and I know He'll continue to be.

      I see that little girl grown up... I see you little 21 year old...

      At fourteen years old, you wrote a letter to your 20 year old self, and tied it up with string. These were the last words of the letter:

As you go into this next year, I want you to ponder that question.

Are you living your Christian life to the fullest?

And what does that look like?

      To you - to me - to the person who's reading this right now -

      Don't be afraid to walk into this next year. I know there are uncertainties you don't know how to face but you are standing beside a God who keeps His promises - a God who swears by Himself because He is so great. 

Look at the way He Loves you. 

Pray, believing that He's a loving Father who wants to hear you.

Run with joy next to Him.
Sit in trust at His feet.

Dance in delight on the days He gives you that strength.

 Be a light that others see Jesus reflected in... 

and stop trying to do things in your own strength. 

Willing as a little child, grasp tight again to the nail scarred hands 

of your Father who knows the way. 

He will never let you go, and He wants you to remember 

He is with you - no mater where you are today... 

Dear little child of God - when you're trusting in the Almighty, the best is yet to come. 

~Ophelia - Marie Flowers

My 3 Cents - Recentered Identity, Relearned Lessons

    I'll never tell you this... But I still remember when I was maybe 11 or 12, and you said to my mother in front of me, "Don't you think those pants are getting too tight on her?" ... I remember being mortified... I've forgotten so many things from when I was young, but that I remember. 

    Do you know I hated buying jeans for years afterwards because I always wanted ones too big for me? That I only ever wanted to wear baggy jeans from then on out? I... never told anyone how that impacted me, or why I was so difficult to buy jeans for... 

   I know you didn't mean harm... But I'm sensitive, and it did hurt me.... confused me... I'd read about being modest... You reinforced that I needed to be modest, or people would confront me - and if tight jeans were bad, then baggy ones must be good. Somehow for many years, I planted the idea in my head that everything I wore needed to be big on me, or I was being immodest. My parents never told me that... But I believed that anyhow.

    Little by little though - especially from 16 - 18... I've become more comfortable with who I am... I realized that God cares more about my heart than my outward appearance - but He also doesn't find it a sin to enjoy fashion, so long as I'm being modest. 

     Late last night, do you know what I did? I went through my drawers and got rid of all the jeans that don't fit me... The ones that have never really fit me. They are a size or so too big. I have a few that do fit - and those are the ones I've been wearing now... And yet I've still held on to pairs that don't fit... Part of me has been saying, "Oh, I'll wear those again someday."

     No. I won't.... 'Cause ya know what? I'm not so worried now about what everyone thinks of me... Yes - I think I'll always be conscientious and want to be modest.... But it's okay to be fashionable, and like pretty things... It's okay that I want some days to wear bright contacts, and wash out blue hair. It's okay that I finally think of myself as pretty, instead of always comparing myself to others... It's okay that I'm comfortable as myself (most times) without worrying about everyone else's opinion...

    I finally feel I get that now.

      That memory is one I've been trying to shake for a long time. I hear it every time I buy jeans... About a week ago, for the first time in a long time, I went and bought myself a brand new pair of jeans. I heard that voice... and I ignored it. And I bought a pair that fits - not skinny jeans, or necessarily tight ones -  but ones in my size... And I felt very grown up and happy.

     It's odd... I didn't realize how much I was still letting a comment from years ago, still have a hold on me... It feels nice to try and let that go... I'm sensitive in some of the wrong places - I'm learning to grow away from my hurtful inner voice.

     In being modest, God does not call me to disparage the way He made me.... He doesn't call me to not accept compliments... He doesn't call me to compare myself to others and think, "Well, I'm more modest than them." Or - "I'm just not pretty."... We are not to be prideful - but He doesn't want us to put so much stock in our outward appearance, that we don't like ourselves... It's all so fleeting -  life is - outward appearance is. We worry too much. I worry too much.

      I know of two people who told me they've had similar experiences when I shared this last night on G+, just to ramble out my feelings... So to anyone who has felt the same... Ya know, you're not more holy if you dislike/hate your outward self... It's okay to dress in what makes you feel pretty, within reason. Be joyful, and bright, and happy with who God made you. He loves you wildly...

      *Laughs as I suddenly realize* When it all comes down to it - the point of this post isn't about skewed views of modesty, or really anything about jeans - it's about asking yourself - myself - 'Where do I find my identity?' ... For longer than I care to admit, I've had my identity in my outward appearance (which I didn't like), and who I am, in relation to family (the first born, and a pastor's daughter.)...

    But those things are not my identity - they are simply parts of me... My identity is: I am a precious, beloved, child of God - no matter what... God loves me - and He made me - His redeeming blood has made me clean... He didn't make a mistake. He wants me to find all of my joy and life and identity in who He is - the glorious, unchanging, perfect love that He is... He wants me to rest, and run, and Delight in His presence.

     On Sunday, a friend emailed me... This was the last paragraph:

        He loves you, Ophelia, more than you can ever know. And His desire for us all is to come to know that love more and more and to lose ourselves in love with Him. That is what Christianity is about: the love of God. I so often forget that and make it more about trying to be holy and live up to a set of expectations I am no longer required to keep. When I do that, I live in religion and become a Pharisee. God is not interested in law-keeping for the sake of performance but in a love relationship with Him, where we walk with Him. To really walk with Him is to pursue Him and leave behind that which takes our hearts from Him. In fixing our eyes on Who He is and who He has declared us to be, we come alive in our identity as sons and daughters and we walk out of sin and shame because they belong to the old dead man. For there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ. For behold, if anyone is in Christ, she is a new creation. The old IS gone. The new HAS come. For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God through faith. And if a son, then an heir. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, by Whom we cry "Abba, Daddy!" 

  

      And this, really - is the lesson I'm learning again. To take less stock in myself in general - and  to see myself truly through the eyes of my Abba.

    ~Ophelia - Marie

Holy Distractions - A Guest Post

A guest post on the topic of struggling with thoughts of suicide, and the short film, "The Balcony" , that has a suicide prevention message.

Holy Distractions

~Aubrey Hansen~

As a married twenty-something looking back on my teen years, I will always remember growing up as feeling like the walls were caving in.

As a child, our fragile young minds are protected by walls of innocence.  There are things that we know exist in the world, but they do not affect us.  We may be able to see them through the windows, but they cannot touch us through the walls, and therefore, they are not a part of our world.

But as we grow up, slowly but surely the things on the outside of the walls seep into our lives.  First we hear about them affecting coworkers and friends of friends, and then they start affecting our close friends and family.  And suddenly we find that we cannot keep these things on the other side of the walls anymore; they are entangled in our lives, shaping the way we think.  It feels like the walls are crumbling around us, until one day these things touch us personally.  And then the walls fall down.

What lurks outside the walls varies from person to person.  For me, one of the scariest things outside the walls, and the one that finally ended my childhood, was suicide.

I knew suicide existed.  I knew why it happened, and had heard a few trite explanations of depression, but it wasn’t something I had ever dealt with personally.  I knew it was there, but it was outside the walls.

So when I wrote the first draft of my short film “The Balcony,” I wasn’t thinking about the importance of suicide prevention.  It was a story about a girl who planned to jump off the balcony in a concert hall and was interrupted by a lonely violinist coming in to practice, but the suicide was just an effective storyline for me.  My focus was on the music, as the flutist decides to accompany the violinist’s practice from the shadows, and the two begin to converse through the interplay of their instruments.  I was driven by the artistry of it all, and suicide was simply the most effective character motivation I could use to convey the emotion.  And so I labeled it as a sweet story I could probably one day sell, stashed the draft in the back of my files, and forgot about it.

And then the walls around my childhood started to crumble.

First I learned about a casual acquaintance struggling with depression, before mysteriously vanishing off the internet, leaving behind rumors that she had committed suicide.  Then my closer friends started to come forward and open up about their depression.  I watched as their struggles got deeper, and I felt like my ability to help was slipping out of my fingers.  The foundations of my childhood were shaking, and I grappled to keep my little world from toppling.  But when I turned around to look at my own life, I realized that the thing that had once lurked outside the walls had moved in.  I was depressed, and it was getting worse.

I lived in denial while things got progressively darker through 2013.  In the spring of 2014, the man who would later become my husband found me and encouraged me to come to terms with the things that were taking down my walls.  But as is often the case with depression, when you first try to throw off the chains that bind you, they tighten.  I kept holding on to the few things that made me forget the pain briefly, always believing that if I just fixed enough of my problems I could go back to that simpler time where my innocence gave me peace.

But no amount of dreaming could keep my childhood alive.  In May of 2014, alone on the highway and suffering from my worst depression and the screams of demons, I almost drove my car into a concrete median to end it.

But I didn’t.  Why?  Because a friend texted me.

Even though I don’t text and drive, I had my phone sitting out on the passenger seat where I could see it.  And that simple text notification was a distraction.  It was enough of a distraction for rational thought to break past the noise in my brain, enough distraction to make me realize I should call the friend who texted me and let her talk me through the rest of the drive, enough distraction to give me the opportunity to make the conscious choice that saved my life and started me on the path of healing.

And now, almost a year later, when my producer dragged “The Balcony” out of the archives and put it on my desk again, I can look back and realize there’s a second story to the film that I didn’t even know my heart was trying to write.

In the story, the flutist is distracted when the violinist turns the lights on over the stage and comes out to practice.  This distraction gives her enough pause to notice him and listen to his music instead of the noise in her head.  The distraction allowed the violinist to enter her world, and she made the conscious choice to reach inside of her and respond.  Just one moment of chance timing made for a distraction that opened the gateway to healing and encouragement for both of them.

I am not saying that we should constantly pester our depressed friends and family with text messages to make sure they are all right.  Not all distractions will change a life; many encounters are simply just that, brief distractions that quickly fade and do nothing to help us conquer the battle.  But I am saying that every positive connection we make with people opens up a door for God to work.  Every time we touch another person, we are opening a channel of communication with them.  And if you respond to all the connections you make with honesty and love, you never know when you may have been the open door that let a life-changing thought in.

I want to thank Ophelia for letting me talk on her blog and share about my short film “The Balcony.”  As I mentioned, my old producer Jordan Smith from Phantom Moose Films drug this script out of the closet and decided to produce it this spring.  This is monumental for me, not only to see one of my films make it into production far sooner than I ever could have hoped, but also because I can now use this film as a way to share my experiences with depression and suicide prevention with others.

Of course, producing a film is easier said than done, especially since the intimate nature of the music involves an original violin-flute duet that must be tailored to the movie, as well as two talented musicians to act it out.  For that reason, we’re running a Kickstarter through the end of March to raise the necessary funds for the music and high-quality cameras.  I’d be delighted if y’all could check it out.  Even if you can’t donate, please share the link--you never know when your Facebook post or Tweet might put the film in front of the right person.

After all, even the simplest connections between people can change the world.

~Aubrey Hansen

I Don't Want To Grow Up - Beyond Hoping

           

              This is the fourth post in my 'I Don't Want To Grow Up' series. The other posts are on the topics of not growing up beyond Dreaming, Caring and Playing.

I don't want to be so "grown up" that I no longer hope.

I don't want to stop hoping

Because all I see is the practical side of it

And everything is black or white.

         First, I'd like to say I'm very practical. Ha, and I've been told I'm very practical for as long as I can remember so I don't dispute that claim anymore. (Much. ;)  There's always the days I'm emotional and feel the farthest from practical...*Grins a little* Life. ) It's gotten to the point that when people laugh and comment on that aspect of my personality I just grin and say, "Yeah, I'm very practical."  Yuppidy, that's me - the person who loves to dream, care and play through the ups and downs of life, but still tends to send things through a level-headed filter... eventually. ;)

          But... I've been learning for the zillionth time that there are a lot of things in life that aren't black and white. There isn't always a wrong choice and a right choice. There are several gray inbetweens built on preference, situational circumstances, and other factors. Not everything has a practical answer that clearly draws a pinpoint line on what decisions I should make. Sometimes the pros and cons seem pretty evenly matched and when it's not a moral dilemma... what is the right choice?

           It's hard to be hopeful in the mindset where things are all black or white. It's the mindset creeping in that says there are some situations God won't intervene in, and there are some things that 'just are the way they are'. Hopefulness drains away when we assume some things will never change, and don't look towards the future with trustful expectation of God's grace.

I don't want to stand so solidly in my ways

That all others are wrong

Since I am so right.

           I'm sure you've seen this thought before. It's the sharp thought process that says, 'This works for me, but my fellow Christian sibling doesn't agree. They must not be walking with the Lord as I am.' ... Or, 'How stupid and clueless people must be - don't they see this isn't working?'...

         There isn't a whole lot of flexibility or compassion when we react with mocking words and the intent to shame others. How likely is it you would listen if someone came up to you and started attacking your hardcore beliefs, and did so entirely with an air that they know more than you, and you're just a poor misinformed sap - or worse - you're blackened, hardened, and blind to the destruction you're causing? Would you try to understand and ask questions? Or would you becoming increasingly defensive to their fierce and unforgiving attitude? I think too often we outright condemn and steam-roll people with our belief instead of trying to listen to them.

         On one hand, yes, there are things that are wrong. There are things that are sin, and need to be spoken out against. For example, abortion is wrong - I don't care what anyone says - an unborn child is a child no matter what and is a precious creation of God and we have no right to murder a child. I do believe there are lies from satan we need to be combating with The Truth of the Gospel of Christ. I do believe we need to be an act of change against many of the sins the culture is calling, 'normal'. I do believe we need to be firmly grounded in what we know is right, and be unashamed to be a witness. We are to be light in this world and that means acting different from others and not bowing to the idea that some sins are 'acceptable'. Sin is sin, and the Bible is very clear about it.

          On the other hand... we need to keep in mind people are lost and hurting. There are many times when people need the blatant, hard truth put before their eyes and told to look at the devastation that their choices - their choices of unmarried sex, drug abuse, pornography, abortion, and others - bring into their lives, and the lives of those they care about.  But we also need to show we care about the people in these situations... Those are people who are bound in their sin. But for the grace of God, that could be me. But for the grace of God, that could be you. Confused, unrepentant, angry, hurting, scared, alone, constantly lied to - feeling backed into a corner with no other way out...That could be us, if God hadn't changed our hearts. I pray I never become so "grown up" that I act like I've got it so together that people don't feel they can approach me, or that I push them away with an unforgiving attitude. I won't show others there is hope, if I don't show them the Truth in love and understanding. There is hope - His name is Jesus.

*Keeps having this song run through my head*

           (A lot of this goes back to my post on caring, since that is a topic I feel very strongly about. I could probably write another entire series of blog posts on my thoughts here... but I tried to condense my thoughts down. Thus saying, I know I didn't even come close to comprehensively covering this point. Like, at all. *Keeps adding and finally figures I'll stop rambling for now* )

I don't want to grow out of hoping-

Trusting, watching, believing that God has good things ahead-

             God has good things planned. I believe so. I pray for that. If I died tomorrow or lost someone I care about deeply - if I lost everything like Job did- I know God would have a purpose to it, even if it was darkly painful to understand. He knows what is best. There are things in life that hurt, and there are times of deep grief and sadness. Know what though? We serve a faithful, strong, loving God who never sleeps, and who is concerned with justice. I can have hope because I know God sees so so so much more than I ever do or will about this life. Trusting and hoping is very difficult some days, but I know whom I have believed in and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against that day. I don't want to grow out of believing that God is mighty and stands by me through life, no matter what happens.
         

The type of hoping that buoys my soul

Into leaping to actions of faith

And grasping God's promises.

     
             The Bible is full of promises that God has made to His children. Promises that He'll never leave us or forsake us.  Promises that He has loved us with strength enough that He sent Jesus to die for us. Promises that He will return for us and take us to be with Him. The promise that He has not left us here as we wait for His return - we have the comfort of the Holy Spirit.  The promise that if God is for us, who can be against us?  The Bible tells us there will be hardships, especially as Christians, but we are to entrust our souls to our faithful Creator as we do good.. 

            God's promises should fill us with great hope because we serve a God who can fulfill those promises. He is so powerful that there is no one greater for Him to swear by, so He swears by Himself. (That thought has fascinated me for awhile...) He has sworn by Himself, and paid for us with His blood - there is nothing greater He can do to show that we belong to Him. Oh what a glorious, hope-filling thing to ponder - God has made us promises and He will never leave us alone.

          Since I have hope in God's promises to me, that should change my outlook on life. Hope is a funny thing - it can drive us to do things we may never well have done otherwise. It may only be a spark, but hope can make all the difference. The difference between taking a chance, and shrinking back. The difference between sickening fear, and quiet trust. The difference between reaching for a dream, or letting it die. The difference between caring for someone, or giving up. The difference between taking time to find joy, or only dwelling on the worst.

         Mmm... Hope... I write that word on my wrist fairly often...thinking about so many, many things in life. It can be hard to remember at times to look around and have hope. Hope isn't just a feeling though. Hope needs to be grounded in the right place, in the right person. Jesus - our Savior, Redeemer, Creator and Friend. He is always with us. We are safe in His arms. He is the reason I can hope.

Psalm 33:20-22

We wait in hope for the Lord;
    he is our help and our shield

In him our hearts rejoice,
    for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
    even as we put our hope in you.

I had this written on my wrist for a few days for Self Harm Awareness day.
There is always hope.

I don't want to stop hoping

Because all I see is the practical side of it

And everything is black or white.

I don't want to stand so solidly in my ways

That all others are wrong

Since I am so right.

I don't want to grow out of hoping-

Trusting, watching, believing that God has good things ahead-

The type of hoping that buoys my soul

Into leaping to actions of faith

And grasping God's promises.

Now my question for you is: How will you remain hopeful?

~Ophelia - Marie 

I Don't Want To Grow Up - Beyond Playing

            This is the third  post in my 'I Don't Want To Grow Up' series. The other posts are entitled, 'I Don't Want To Grow Up - Beyond Dreaming', and 'I Don't Want To Grow Up - Beyond Caring'.

I don't want to be so "grown up" that I no longer play.

I don't want to stop playing

Because there are better things to do

And they must come first.

               That's not to say I don't want to take responsibility for what's important - quite the contrary. What I mean by that is I want to remember to take time to enjoy little things. I want to take the time to "stop and smell the roses", even if I've got "the garden to weed". 

              It's easy to become so busy and forget to slow down and just play for a little while. This life is fast paced and full of stuff that call for our attention. People seem to always be saying, "I don't have time for that!" I don't want to ever become so exhaustively busy that I don't have time to play, or enjoy life. I know I'll get busier as I get older but hey, I don't think that has to mean I'll stop having fun.

I don't want to despise twirling in the thunder storm

And stop marveling

In the beauty of the lightening that flashes across the sky.

          I wish I would still play like this little girl  and be enthralled by something as simple as rain. Though I don't show as much delight as she does, I do enjoy it even now - the sound it makes as it pours from the sky and strikes the ground, the smell of it in the spring air, the wonderfully cool feel of it on a warm summer afternoon, and the way everything green perks up after a hard rain.

          I remember one night at camp as I was heading back to the girls' trailer, it started pouring. We'd been having a long dry spell, but suddenly it began to rain. Thunder rumbled deep and loud, and I stood there and started laughing. It was pretty dark and ha, like usual I'd forgotten to bring my flashlight, but that only made the lightening seem all the more magnificent as it lit up the sky in response to the thunder. *Grins* I love this memory because I remember how happy I felt in that moment, in the dark, in the rain, marveling at the fact that God had created and sent forth that display. When I got back to the trailer I remember coming through the door and saying to the girls sitting on the couch, "It's raining!" and feeling so... delighted by what I'd seen.

(Yes, I know ya shouldn't stay outside when there's lots of lightening, and I didn't stay out long, for your information. ;) I stayed out long enough to be fairly wet though. ^_^) 

Me covered in fluffies. ;)

       I don't want to lose that joy over simple things, and the ability to be 'easily amused' at random fun. Things like rain, wildflowers, the ocean, early morning sunrises... Things like skipping around (often arm in arm) with friends, or making up silly back stories for Skype's emoticons, or helping out with a spur of the moment scavenger hunt for someone's birthday, or having a 'war' with fluff for the sheer fun of it. ;) Just... having fun for the sake of having fun, even if it might be considered a little odd, or too commonplace to be taking so much enjoyment out of it.

        Ha, I don't even know if I'm explaining this so that others will understand. *Motions with hands* Play. Do you know what it's like to play? To goof around, tease, and laugh until ya can hardly breathe? Or make up songs and games that are built of pure inspiration (or sugar... I think sugar late at night helps... ;) ) and often verging into goofy-insanity? Or looking wide-eyed at the sun- rise (that is different and yet as wonderful as the previous morning's) and again well up with awe? Or looking  at the clouds to find the pictures built in your imagination and the wind? Or running through the waves of the ocean and feeling the wild tug to go deep enough to be knocked over and plunge into the strong surging tide? Ya know what I'm talking about? Mmm, silly joy - That. That is what I don't think we should lose, as we grow up - the ability to find that kind of pleasure and joy in the good things God gives us. 

I don't want to grow out of laughing-

Genuinely, fully, without thought of those around -

The type of laughing that others don't have to understand

But secretly wish they weren't afraid

To share in too.

           
              Being self-conscious can take away a lot of the fun out of playing. I know, 'cause I don't always join in, even when they look fun, and I'm learning to try new things even when I'm not all that sure of myself. I don't want to "grow up" and act like laughing with all I am is no longer permissible. ;) Yeah, okay, maybe with the right people I become a crazy hyper thing, but let me tell ya, you'll know for sure I'm having fun when you see that side of me. ^^_^^

            Ya know, God made us to enjoy companionship and with the ability to have fun. It struck me again just now that God takes delight in things. He delights in giving us what is good, and wants us to appreciate what He gives. He sends the rain, the snow, the sun rises and rainbows. He puts others in our lives for a reason. He gave us the ability to create things and share experiences. He is a God that sends blessings - we should take delight in them. We should take time to play.

            *Grins* I want to remain playful - laughing, teasing, playing, encouraging - going through life trying to be uplifting to those around me. Sure, there will be hard days, long days, and times when I don't feel like playing, but I want to have an attitude that still looks for joy in the midst of it all, with God's strength. He is the reason I can play.

Original Picture By Theodora Ashcraft

I don't want to stop playing

Because there are better things to do

And they must come first.

I don't want to despise twirling in the thunder storm

And stop marveling

In the beauty of the lightening that flashes across the sky.

I don't want to grow out of laughing-

Genuinely, fully, without thought of those around-

The type of laughing that others don't have to understand

But secretly wish they weren't afraid

To share in too.

Now my question for you is: How will you seek to take time to play?

~Ophelia - Marie

I Don't Want To Grow Up - Beyond Caring

       This is the second post in my 'I Don't Want To Grow Up' series. The first post is entitled, 'I Don't Want To Grow Up - Beyond Dreaming'. 

I don't want to be so "grown up" that I no longer care.

I don't want to stop caring

Because I've put everyone in categorized bubbles

And they don't matter anymore.

       There are the people who "deserve our care" and then the people who "made wrong choices, and got what they deserved" - There are the people who, "Need our compassion", and the people who, "Need to just figure it out for themselves"- sadly, we hear this attitude all the time. We tend to rush in to help those who stumbled, but glare harshly at those who have habitually been walking on the edge of wrong choices (despite being told what would happen) and finally crumble under the weight of what they've done. We scold, and shake our heads, and throw out our words of, "We told you this would happen!" instead of showing compassion. The weight of our judgmental glances tell them that their chances are better out on the road.  

        Where would we be if God hadn't loved us, despite how messed up we are? Where would we be if He had left us to figure things out alone? Where would we be if we had to meet His standards, before He extended grace? Where would we be if our past kept us from finding a new future in Him? So much has been given to us that we've never deserved. We need to extend that same grace to others. 

        That doesn't mean people shouldn't be held accountable for their actions, and that there aren't real consequences for life choices people make. It doesn't mean we shouldn't try to tell people what will happen when we see them walking into sin. It doesn't mean we should turn a blind eye to what harmful things people do to themselves and others in the name of being "sensitive". It means... praying for the broken, talking to them, showing them the love of God by our lives and actions, and seeking to genuinely care about them as individuals, even when they aren't very "lovable"...

     

I don't want to see someone crying

And hurry away

Because I don't have time.

         I don't want to get to the point in life where my agenda becomes more important than caring for others. It takes time to talk to hurting people. It takes time to get to know them, be there for them, and understand why they are hurting. It isn't easy. It isn't even always rewarding. It isn't without cost, or without occasional confusion and pain. It isn't without mistakes, or times that seem impossible. 

           I know I can't be there for everyone. I know that I can't heal the pain. I know that I am not always the friend I should be. I know I can not be someone's strength. I know I can not fix what people crush. I know I don't have all the solutions, or even a handful of them, a lot of times. I know I am not strong enough to fully bear another's heartaches. I know I haven't always been obedient to reaching out when I had the chance. I know there are times I have to step back from a friendship. I know there are days I can't handle trying to be there, and have to take a break. I know I can't do everything... But I do know many things I can do, with God's strength.

        I know I can listen. I know I can show I care. I know I can offer my friendship. I know I can extend forgiveness. I know I can speak truth. I know I can look at things from another point of view and offer ideas. I know I can pray down on my knees and beg for God's healing, peace, and strength for others. I know that I can make a difference in someone's life, if that's what God has for me to do. 

         When it comes down to it, will you take the time to show you care? Will you put aside what is "convenient" to reach out? A lot of times you don't even have to do much, it seems... Pray and be there for people - that's what is needed the most. But like I said, that doesn't mean it's easy... It's being the hands and feet of Jesus. It's showing love to those who often don't know what love really means -  the hope that is bound up in a relationship with Jesus.

I don't want to look at people

And only wonder what they'll give me,

How they'll help me forward,

And if they are worth my time.

         Life is full of people who will either have the means to repay our caring in some way, or who won't.

          There are people who affirm those who love them in their pain, and there are those who react harshly to offered help. There are people who accept love and gentle reproof, and then there are people who appear colder to kindnesses and ignore (or sharply reply to) anything that isn't uplifting and affirming... There are those who seem easier to love, and there are those that are much harder to love.

     I work as a nurse aide in a long term care facility. Not all of my residents are lovable. (Many of them are wonderfully sweet though, and I absolutely love my job.) Some are unkind and demanding and always seem to be complaining... But God calls me to be loving and patient with them too. I don't always have the right attitude, but God has been teaching me again the meaning of caring for those who can and will give you nothing in return.

        As I was thinking about that, these verses came to mind:

Luke 14:12-14

12 Then Jesus said to his host, “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. 13 But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind,14 and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”

Matthew 5:46-47
 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 

I don't want to grow out of caring-

Deeply, truly caring-

The type of caring that makes me cry

Though I don't know their name,

Or fully understand their hurt.

           I don't want to stop being empathetic, even though it hurts. I want Him to break my heart 'til it moves my hands and feet. Mmm, I want to have a heart of compassion to those around me, and not become cynical to the brokenness. I want to love others with no half measures - loving them the best I know how, in God's strength.

          God has shown me such perfect love. He teaches me day by day to rest in Him, even when I struggle, and shows me that I am not alone. His grace is enough for me. How can I do any less than seek to love others in even a fraction of the way that He has loved me? He is the reason I can care.

I don't want to stop caring

Because I've put everyone in categorized bubbles

And they don't matter anymore.

I don't want to see someone crying

And hurry away

Because I don't have time.

I don't want to look at people

And only wonder what they'll give me,

How they'll help me forward,

And if they are worth my time.

I don't want to grow out of caring-

Deeply, truly caring-

The type of caring that makes me cry

Though I don't know their name,

Or fully understand their hurt.

Now my question for you is: How will you show you care?

~Ophelia - Marie

The Power Of Empathy