Yesterday was my last day at my Long Term Care job, as I am getting married in 14 days and moving to Pennsylvania afterward.
Honestly, my first impressions about this job was being told by my team while volunteering at the hospital, "We came from there - if you work there, be ready to run. It is crazy over there." I didn't much want to work there, but they were the first ones to offer me a job ... My first day of orientation a girl was crying and mad because she was getting mandated to stay for another shift. My first few weeks I struggled a lot with managing my time - something I continued to work through, my entire three years... I can not be and give everything I wish to, simply because - I don't have the time...
It's a job that can be hard on the emotions... I've had days there I've cried so hard I literally can't stop - or days where I've been so frustrated and weary it sits in my chest... I've had days where I've wondered if I really wanted to stay... I'm glad I did.
Because you know what? I've also laughed there - hugging elderly residents, singing with them in the bathroom while helping them with pajamas, listening to their stories of life. I've worked with some amazing people who I honestly don't know how they do all they do. I've been able to lead church services when the church group doesn't show up - and I've taken my little sister Virginia to visit so she can be an encouragement to them. I've had the honor of meeting some people of beautiful faith - who after all their years, tell me how God has been good to them. I've been able to comfort people in their grief and hold them tight in the tears and the pain. I've been able to love people where they're at, and give of God's love to them.
I've learned to understand people in new ways... We all have pains, regrets, and weaknesses - but we also have our own set of strengths, joys, and triumphs. I believe I will always look at life a little bit differently, because I have been a CNA.
It's easy to take love for granted, until you begin to love those who don't feel loved at all.
Mmm... So many of my residents don't take love for granted - even the smallest gestures can change their whole attitude... To me, one of the saddest things I heard a resident say after I hugged her was, "Thank you; that means so much...." She paused, and said kinda sadly, "You know, nobody hugs you when you get old." ... Those words hurt.
Many of my people are lonely. They don't get hugs often at all, or get told, "I love you." or told, "I'm happy to see you today." They are away from their families, and miss a lot of the freedoms they used to have. Some of them can't speak anymore, or even get out of bed by themselves. Many of them have lost spouses, siblings, friends. Many of them have aches and pains... And they are just like you and me. They need to know that they are loved.
A resident asked me a few days ago, "How did you get to be so loving?"
I laughed and said, "I don't know, it just happened!" Then I stopped and said, "I have Jesus in my heart. He helps a lot."
She said, "That's right honey. Jesus died for our sins."
And for that moment... we were simply two Christians thinking about Jesus.
There are elderly Christians in my building. They need to be reminded that they have purpose. They still delight God. They are still able to pray. God still hears them and loves them... You can see it in the lives of those who love God - their peace and strength in Him - but like any Christian, they need encouragement.
God's love is the impression I want to leave. Gosh it can be hard - some days, honestly, I do what I do, and forget to try and be love - I go through the motions - doing my work, and my best, but not beyond that. Some days, I am tired and there are some residents who are mean - sharp worded, and never happy with what we do.... But I am still called to love - no matter the person, no matter my feelings. (I'm still working on loving certain people. There are some who are... hard to love... but I suppose they need it the most, don't they? Mmm.). Those who love me are reminders to me to focus on the positive, and to find joy in what I do because I can be there to serve and love.
You know what? Loving isn't easy...Sometimes I don't have a spirit of love and patience... And sometimes - love hurts.
Towards the end of my shift tonight, I was thinking about the last 9 months of this job. My mind flitted to the aspect of death... (Not that anyone died today, but it's just on my mind.) It always feels wrong - even when I know it is coming. It always is just a bit surprising in a way... It's because we weren't made to die and in the depths of us, we feel the wrongness of it all.
I've watched families grieve, both while their family member is fading, and after they've died. I've watched people in the process of dying. I've crouched beside a bed, and prayed a welcome into Heaven for a woman who had just gone to be with Jesus - oh, I could imagine her joy... I've gone away for some time off, and had a Christian resident I loved very much suddenly pass away while I was gone... Loving people who aren't going to be around much longer...that can hurt... Somehow though, it's not as mind-numbing as I thought it'd be... It reminds me to cherish the life I have, and love fully while I have the chance.
In the beginning, I didn't know how I'd handle this job, emotionally. There are difficult aspects to it - usually I just talk about the joyful parts. But I feel I've found where God wants me, and He keeps teaching me... growing me... Giving me strength and love I didn't know I had. Ha - so much more patience than I ever dreamed I could muster... I can't do it without Him. You can tell me I do well - and yes, I do try - but all my trying wouldn't do that much without God with me. He is the reason I am who I am. I'm not doing anything special. I'm just bumbling through life, trying to follow Jesus... He tells us to love one another deeply from the heart.
God is love... How are we showing His love to others? Do you ever consider - how are you showing love to the elderly, the shut-ins, the widows?
To anyone who has an elderly family member in a nursing home - please, go visit them if you can. Love them. I know it can be hard - perhaps they don't remember you, perhaps they cry when you leave, perhaps they ask why they can't go home with you, perhaps they don't respond anymore... But please, please - show them you care. They are still people who need your love.
And to anyone reading this - if you ever go visit a nursing home, please, show love to those around you. They need it - we all need that love. We need to reflect the light of Jesus...There is always hope.
Some day I'll be older. I'll be stooped over and grey... I'll probably be as forgetful as I've always been - I'll tell the same stories a thousand times and laugh at the same old jokes. My already daily nap time will probably be a good bit longer. I'm sure I'll be reading and writing for as long as I'm able, and probably singing too, though my eyes may grow weak, my hands unsteady, and my voice wavery.
Sometimes I think about what it'll be like to be old - to look back on my life and hope I spent my years well. I've met so many types of elderly people, and I wonder who I'll be like...
This is what I hope.
I pray I'm like you.
When I am your age, I pray I'm as beautiful as you are.
I pray I'll have a love for the Lord that is deeply visible. I pray that I'll continue to see the good things in life - that I'll show God's love by being truly thankful. I pray that I'll still speak of God's goodness, and pray for others, and encourage those around me. I pray that others will say of me, "She's a joy to be with. I wish we had more people like her," like they do you. I pray others will see Jesus in me, like I see Him in you. I see Him so clearly in you.
For now I'll continue to walk this life ahead of me. I'll seek to be joyful - to be in step with my Lord... I wanted you to know that though I haven't had the pleasure of knowing you long -
Words from a Nurse Aid, working with the elderly in Long Term Care:
I know can be hard to come visit. I know there are days that you are grieving, after a fashion - you can no longer take care of this person you loved, and you have decided to turn the care over to us... and sometimes, you're struggling...
I see it sometimes in your eyes. I hear it sometimes in your tone of voice, when you're tired. I watch you when you visit, and I read your face as I walk you to the door. You came to see a loved one - and that isn't easy every time. Some days I smile at your faithfulness, coming so regularly. Some days I wonder why it's been so long since you've come... Through over a year of knowing so many families - I watch you all and wonder...
I know... They aren't exactly the same person you remember. They don't have all the capabilities they used to. They need a lot more help than in the past. They are getting older. It's odd for you to see those changes, and know how to react all the time.
Perhaps you come to visit often - I applaud you for that - especially those of you who deal with difficulty. Maybe they cry when you leave - maybe they accuse you of abandoning them here - maybe they can't communicate well anymore... maybe... maybe they don't even remember who you are, or acknowledge you at all... But you come anyways.
You come and you love them. You talk to them, and give them hugs, and give them news about friends and other family. You bring them little things, and cart the children in to say hi. You tell them about your day, and ask them how they've been. You feed them if they need help. You sit by their bedside, and hold their hand. You treat them like family.
Thank you. Thank you for still coming - even those of you who are only semi regular.
To those of you who don't come much... Please...
They need you - they still need you...
You are their family. You are the ones who know what they like best. You are the ones who remember their history. You are the ones they spent years with. You are the anchor to their past. You are the ones they love. Even when they can't express it - they still need you. You are their family.
I will try my best to love your family when you aren't here. When they cry - I will give them a hug and make sure they know it will be okay. When they feel lonely - I will talk to them. If they get lost in the past, I will ask them questions, and let them tell me about things they used to love to do. When they make a mess - I will clean it for the thousandth time. When they are being unsafe, I will do my very best to keep them safe. When they don't want to eat dinner, or take a shower, or wear clean clothes, I will ask, re-ask, and try to give them the care they need. I will bear up under occasional bad attitudes, swear words, and the occasional hit headed my way. I will rejoice at their home-made crafts, good days, and little happinesses. I will have nonsense conversations where I don't know what they are talking about, but still I talk and listen. I will tease, sing, laugh, and smile to break up the monotony. I will notice little things about them, so if they aren't acting right, my Nurse will hear about it. I will be your family member's care giver in ways you can't be, and act as an echo of the love you are.
Most of us - we are here because we sincerely care about the elderly. We are here to serve... I know it's hard for you some days - but think of it this way - we're on the same team. We are both here to take care of this person you love - physically and emotionally. Please understand that I have other residents to care for - but I do care. I do know the needs of your person. I will try my very best to give them the attention they need. I'm not perfect - I make mistakes - I'm very busy - but I'm trying. I will do my very best by you, and by them.
At the end of the day, know this - you are still a very important part of your family member's life, and I respect your place in it. Please come and show them you care. They need you and I'm here to help.
Sometimes, God answers the littlest things... those prayers that I pray almost off-hand while I'm busy, and a bit stressed...
Like, "God, I need someone to pray for me right now."
Or, "God, I need a little joy today."
Or, "God, I could use someone to help me, please."
I want to go visit a friend later this summer, and because I only spend 10% of my income, it's going to take a lot of saving to be able to buy a train or plane ticket... It may even mean not spending any money for a few months or so. This morning I was thinking and prayed (kinda offhand while doing dishes) that there might be a way I could earn a little extra money since I've got a gift I want to purchase today.
The mail came about an hour ago... My sister handed me a letter. In it was a $15 gift card to Walmart from someone from church as a thank-you gift for my help with the little kids' class at church for a few months.
For a moment I was just shocked... I'm still shocked. *Laughed and felt tears well up* Oh, but why am I so shocked? I've seen God provide for me before when I've prayed.
A few weeks ago I was a bit stressed out at work - things were busy, and since I'm still new there I was having trouble feeling I was being as helpful as I should be... I was praying a little, and was sinking into slight overwhelmed... when I saw someone from Church. She was coming to visit a few of the Residents (I work as a nurse aid with elderly folks) and gave me a big hug and told me she'd pray the rest of the day would go smoothly. I felt such a sense of relief seeing her - I knew God had sent her to encourage me.
Ah, I'm a forgetful human being. I know God can answer my prayers, but I don't always... keep that in the forefront of my mind. Praise be to Him that He is paitent with me, and listens to everything I pray, even when it's an quick prayer in the midst of everything I'm feeling and doing.
"God showed me grace last night. It was 6:30-ish and like usual we were getting ready for the program - we don't have a youth group this week, and the Chapel looked so empty. So, I asked God to bring people in to watch the program... Even before the program started we had about 20 people sitting down waiting and they /stayed/! I hadn't really expected God to answer that prayer. It had been the kind of off-hand prayer that went something like, 'It'd be really nice if You would send people to be here.' *Grins* Aaah! I'm not sure why I'm always so surprised when He answers “little” prayers like that.
After the program I went into the upstairs apartment to pray... and cry. God listens, and in a very real sense I felt He was reminding me that if He cares enough to answer my “little” prayers, then He can answer the others. It won't be in /my/ timing, but it'll be for His glory and the /best/ in my life and the lives of those I love."
God answers again and again, showing me He listens to all my prayers, even when I forget about them. Even the prayers I've prayed for months - years - He never forgets. Even the prayers about needing a bit of encouragement, or needing help finding something - He never brushes them aside as unimportant. He hears me - He will do what is best, and answer in His timing.
