Tomorrow I'm flying to Dallas TX for a dear friend's wedding. ^_^ It's still hard to grasp that I'm going...It won't feel quite real until I'm on the plane, haha.
Grace and I have been online friends for years, and this will be the second time I'll have been able to see her face to face. The last time was back in 2012 when I was 17, and I spent a week with her.
The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to ask God about the life choices I'm making. He's the Creator of time itself - He knows my life, and so I ask Him about it. Between it being a big financial choice - a plane ticket and a hotel room - and a couple other reasons, I prayed and asked God to make it very clear if should go. Specifically, I asked God to help me have money over and above my regular paycheck.
So I prayed about it.
On December 13th, while sitting in a parking lot, about to go in to get my wheel changed on my car, I said, "Maybe it's best not to go." I remember gripping the steering wheel and looking out at the snow and feeling... torn.
Those were words to hold back my emotions from simply making a decision. I was weighing options - wondering what was best. I'd been told several times that, "That's a lot of money to spend on a weekend away." And yes, I understand that, - buuut it's my friend's wedding... And so I warred in my mind, and with others' opinions of my finances. That was the day I decided that without a clear answer, maybe I was supposed to stay home.
When I got back from the car dealership, my mom - who knew nothing of my prayers - informed me that instead of Christmas presents, my grandparents were sending us money. It was such a direct answer to prayer, I couldn't contain my joy. God? You answered me that clearly?
But it still wasn't enough to cover what I needed, so I prayed again that night... Because it's good to ask.
The next day, December 14, I got a message on my FB Clay-Art page, asking if I'd be available to teach clay-figure making at a kids birthday party. *Laughs* It's then that I knew that I knew that I'd be going to the wedding. I was totally able to cover my flight expenses.
I remember sitting on my bedroom floor, rocking back and forth and laughing and almost crying. Because how else do you explain this, but God's goodness to me? How could I find words for that overwhelming, flooring joy? God had answered me twice, one day after another. And if God had answered me financially, then I trusted that I'd be able to take a three day weekend off from work to travel. He answered that too.
God isn't some genie in the sky who grants all our wishes. But I believe we'd more readily see His blessings if we prayed more... I wouldn't have seen God's blessings so deeply if I hadn't asked Him to provide for me - perhaps I would have still received the blessing, but I wouldn't have been so floored by His grace. Prayer reminds me to be grateful for His goodness to me. Prayer gives me conversation and connection with my God - a way to hear His voice. Prayer allows me to better see His guiding hand in every facet of life. He is so Good.
Tomorrow I am flying out on a grand, short little adventure that God blessed me with. Saturday I get to see my friend enter joyfully into marriage. What a beautiful joy.
Again and again - I'll ask You, God. I'll ask You, and I'll listen. I know You see better than I do.
I had a rough week, emotionally. (The cry-so-hard-I-can-hardly-breathe and pretend-I'm-fine-to-most-people-when-I-really-feel-I'm-gonna-fall-apart kind of emotional...) But God kindly kept bringing reminders of His Love into my path through people around me... I don't know how to word the enormity of tonight, as simple as it is... I don't know why the Holy Spirit working always startles me so...
A friend messaged me asking for prayer for her stress, as this Christmas season is busy. So I recorded me praying, and sent it to her. And we talked a lot about the love of God, and how we love others. It was deep, and good, and though we talked nothing of my week, it helped heal some of that hurt.
Later, another friend messaged me back... I had asked how her Thanksgiving was... Somehow, God often has me message her when she needs a listening ear. And we talked, and I mostly listened - And I saw the beginnings of God answering the prayers of her heart.
Neither of them know how hard this week has been - or how I felt walled off in ways. God just said, "Here. Talk." and gave me people.
And then... as those conversations were over - God sent a third friend. She asked me, "How have you been?" God often sends her to me when I am overwhelmed in His goodness... She has been growing in so many ways this past year, and she has blessed me by sharing with me lessons she's learning... God makes me laugh at the perfect timing of sending her. I exploded joy to her of seeing God moving - and then she began to tell me how she's been seeing Him in her own life the past few weeks.
God is amazing - moving people separately so that each of us can speak life into each other, and see how God is moving in each of us...
Every time things like this happen, I'm knocked over with Joy - and I get to remember all over again, how much God is watching over my life, and the lives of those I love.
"HOPE: While the cynical souls of the world may see your bright optimism as a youthful naivete, you have come to understand that it is the hope of a better tomorrow that burns within you. You are passionate and idealistic. You understand that there is so much potential surrounding us, and we have only to tap into it in order to achieve great things. When others are burdened by the troubles of every day life, you transcend them and consider the beauty that the future brings. Your bright disposition infects everyone around you, as they too learn how to dream. As long as hope is alive within you, you will always be the very best that you can be!"
As I look at the answer to this silly little Buzzfeed quiz, I feel struck all over again by the word, "Hope".
And so instead of reading, or playing with clay - or whatever else it is I want to do with this day off - I feel the urge to ramble about Hope... I'll get to the other stuff soon. ;)
Hope, for me, is so tangled in the word "Trust". I believe there is Hope because God has awakened my heart to trust. I believe there is potential because I believe in a God that is bigger than our mistakes and weakness. I believe that the future is bright in some aspect or another because God is alive and active in this broken world. I believe God cares... That is why I see hope as such a beautiful thing. Someone said to me the other day, "If we could understand fully, how much He does care, it would change *everything*." Yes... I believe it truly would... There's not only hope for the future - there is hope now. God is here Now... He cares Now. Right where we are, no matter what we're facing - He cares, He loves, He sees. We have access to speak with Him - to be in His presence. To be in the arms of Hope.
I have been called naive...Perhaps in some ways I am. But I don't think having hope is naive when it's placed in the One who holds my life in His hands... To me, that seems to be the fullest form of good sense.
Sometimes it's hard for me to understand the worlds of others that don't see hope and beauty as starkly as I do. I know sadness, but even in writing, I'm still looking for the completion of hope. I feel the lack of hope at times - the sorrow, the darkness, the loneliness, the overwhelming sense that things in life are wrong and I can't heal them - I've been told I write it well. But I have the blessing of a, "the glass is half full" attitude... most days.
I was sorting out those thoughts the other night as I talked with someone who thinks quite differently than I do. Who sees the dark spots as bigger than the light ones... The weight of that feeling made me write.
Hey it's true -
I'm my own worst enemy, Gathering the shadows no one else can see, Tying up the knots so I can't get free,
Never really sure where I'm meant to be - It's a mess I'm making, But will You stay with me?
'Cause it's a battle in the dark And I'm the only one here. Am I alone here? I can't see You here... It's a battle in the dark And nothing is clear.
Nothing is clear...
But I trust You are near...
Please,
Please show me You're near.
I know the world is dark... I know there are pains greater than I can wrap my mind around - I know there is suffering and tears and bleakness and blackness that seeps down deep to the soul. I know there are nights of sobbing. Of sleeplessness. Of numbness. Of wondering if pushing on is worth it. I know there are days of fake smiles and tired eyes - of going through motions that everyone expects, but there seems no reason to care... I will not gloss over that fact, or say that that is "your choice" or that, "you could feel hopeful if you want to"... I know it's not that simple.... But I want you just take a moment to look at Hope with me. Even if you can't see it today, I'm praying you will in time... God loves you - you - more than you can fathom. He wants you to find hope in Him. You are His Beloved one.
Psalm 33:20-22
We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you.
**
Matthew 6:25-26
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
**
1 John 4:9-10
9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
I pray you are reminded of Hope today... Of your need for God. Oh how great our God is, and how much He truly loves you. He loves you enough that He died for you. He loves you enough that He LIVES in you.
I went to a Retreat at a nearby church this weekend, and during Sunday School, the Pastor talked about lust. This is based off of that talk, using notes I took.
When does lust often hit us the hardest? Whether we admit it or not, we all struggle in this area to one degree or another. Some things make it harder...
Lust often becomes a problem when I am:
Lonely
Unsatisfied
Selfish
Tired
Lust
often becomes a problem when I am:
Lonely.
Lonely doesn't necessarily mean "alone", though that can often be a problem for people as well. Lonely comes from feeling disconnected - feeling like you don't belong. No one cares. No one will care what I'm feeling, or looking at, or doing - this makes me feel less lonely, to do this. Maybe I can stop feeling alone.
Ah, friend. Those are lies from the devil, Satan. He wants you to feel lonely. He wants you to look in, instead of look out. He wants you to sin, and then he'll tell you - "You are right to feel lonely. Look what you did! No one really cares. If you told them, you would feel even more alone. They will judge you, and leave you. You've really messed up now." ..... And then the cycle repeats - you sin when you're in this lonely state, and then you feel more lonely because you're afraid to reach out.
What can you do when lust hits you because you are lonely?
1) Talk to God. He is your dearest friend. He loves you, and says, 'Never will I leave you, and never will I forsake you.' He says, 'I will uphold you. I will strengthen you and give you peace.' He says, 'I have loved you with an everlasting love. No one can take you from my Father's hand.' He says, 'As far as the east is from the west, so far have I removed your sins from my sight.' ... So go to Him with your loneliness, and ask Him for His peace.
2) Find someone to be accountable to. Get connected. We are not meant to walk this road of life alone. We need each other to pray, encourage each other in faith, and find ways to be involved.
I have found in my own life that it's much harder to want to sin, when I know a friend is going to ask me how I've been doing in this specific area. Don't think you're the only one who struggles. Find someone who cares about how your spiritual walk with God is going, and ask them to keep you accountable. Check up with each other on a regular basis to pray, and see how you can be a blessing to one another.
Lust often becomes a problem when I am:
Unsatisfied.
Being satisfied can be hard. In a world that says, 'You can have it all!' it can often be difficult to respond with, 'No. This will bring me harm.'
Unsatisfaction that leads to lust can come in many different forms... Maybe you're unsatisfied with your physical appearance. Maybe you're unsatisfied with your relationship status right now. Maybe you're unsatisfied with a partner you do have. Maybe you're unsatisfied with your accomplishments. Maybe... well, maybe you're unsatisfied with life in general.
What is one way you can battle being unsatisfied?
"Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4 - Great, great Psalm.)
Delight yourself in God. Find your joy, your life, your strength, in His goodness. When we truly find delight in God, our own desires grow more and more to look like His. He wants us to be satisfied in Him. He wants us to open up our clenched hands that cling to the scraps of this broken world, so that He can fill them with blessings. He wants us to look to Him and say, "In You, I have found my satisfaction."
Don't keep chasing satisfaction in anything else. It's not too late to turn back and run to God. He can fulfill your heart's desires, and give you satisfaction in Him.
Lust often becomes a problem when I am:
Selfish.
Lust doesn't care about the other person. Lust asks the question, 'What can I get out of this?' It never worries about the other person, or thinks about their well being. We aren't looking for the best of others when we lust - and I'm talking about people on the computer screen as well as people you interact with. Lust sees only itself.
How can we combat the feelings of selfishness? One way we can do that is to serve. Stop whatever it is you are doing - thoughts and actions - and search for someone to serve. "But what if it's late at night, or no one is around?" Then maybe go sit down and write someone a letter. Go whip out your calendar and look at dates you could go help out at a church function. Go sit down and pray for those in your life... It's hard to keep focusing on your emotions and desires when you are looking for ways to be a blessing.
Whatever it is you're in the midst of struggling with - Go. Don't stay in the moment where you are - move. Go to another room. Go to another location. Flee the temptation, and run to God. He will stand beside you. That doesn't mean you won't be tempted, or that you'll never fail again, but it is harder to wrap yourself in selfishness when you're looking to give to others, and looking up to God.
1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
3 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;4 that each of you should learn to control your own bodyin a way that is holy and honorable,5 not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God;6 and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before.7 For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.8 Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.
Lust often becomes a problem when I am:
Tired.
Tired can be because we are not getting enough sleep, or it can be Tired in the sense of being emotionally weary - either way, Satan can use our being tired against us.
I don't know about you, but I have trouble thinking straight at times, when I am tired. My thoughts wander all over the map in a span of mere seconds. Things that I'd normally be able to combat with Truth, seem to run circles in my head. I don't always process my emotions rationally.
We can tell ourselves, "I'm too tired to keep trying. I'm too weary. It'll make me feel better." Or even on a subconscious level - "I want this."... It's sin, and as much as we wrestle with it, and against it, there is a broken part of our will that finds it attractive... And yet, the more and more we find our comfort, our delight, our blessing, and our rest in God, the more sin will look as it truly is - destructive.
An obvious way to combat sleepy-tired is to get sleep... For some of us, that's easier said than done though. Still, I would encourage you to take care of your physical body. Take a nap if you have to. Aim to go to bed half an hour or so early. Go to bed on time when you can. Sleep is important.
It's harder to deal with weary-emotionally-tired... Besides prayer, some things that help me are reading through the Psalms, listening to encouraging music, praying/talking with a close friend, or writing about whatever is causing me to feel weary.
Jesus says in Matthew 11:28 & 29, 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Go to God. Go to Him with your feelings of loneliness. Go to Him with your feelings of unsatisfaction. Go to Him with your selfishness. Go to Him with your tired body and heart.
God is our comfort. He is our delight. He is our encouragement to serve. He is our true rest. He can help us battle lust, and He has given us victory over sin, death, and the devil, through His Son, Jesus Christ.
This is the first post of a blog series based on my poem "I Don't Want To Grow Up". I don't want to become so "grown up", that I no longer dream, care, play, hope, or wonder anymore.
I don't want to be so "grown up" that I no longer dream.
I don't want to stop dreaming
Because I care so much what others think
And I must follow them.
I've been asked many times why I haven't decided to go to college (- Though I did go to community college for about a month to become certified as a nurse aid -) and get a degree in something. People give me funny looks when I say, "I wouldn't want to spend all that money unless I was sure I want to go into a profession, and what really want to do is be a homeschooling mom someday." Some people raise their eyebrows a bit when I tell them what a nurse's aid does, and how I feel I can best be a servant by caring for those who can't care for themselves. Some people wonder why the thought of raising children and homeschooling is so important to me. Not everyone understands, and that is okay.
I am well aware not all of my dreams are easy, but there is a tug on my heart to do them. One step at a time I am going to seek to be an encouragement to others, and work to the best of my abilities to shine God's love. If that means being different than other nineteen year olds, so be it. ;)
I don't want to stop dreaming so I can run with everyone else. People can pick at my sometimes optimistic attitude, but I'm not afraid to stand out. Yes, dreams can change, God can open and close doors, and He doesn't always give us what we think we want, but I'm prayerfully trying to go forth in obedience.
Don't believe you can't do something, just because there are setbacks, or people who challenge your thought process. Do listen to reasonable objections, spend a lot of time in prayer and reading the Bible, and seek council from trustworthy people, but don't believe that, "Well almost everyone else does it this way," means that you have to do just the same.
I don't want to push my dreams into a corner
And strive for level ground
Because that's what some are doing.
"Just get by," - That seems to be the attitude so many people have. "Do what you have to, but no more or you're letting people use you." I wonder - how many opportunities we miss in life because we are too afraid or lazy to do things that are difficult, or don't seem to have easy reward? What if, when we felt God's calling, we answered with, "Here I am, send me!" (Isaiah 6:8) instead of telling God that wasn't what exactly we had in mind. God can send us blessings we didn't even think to dream about when we're willing to go where He wants us.
Don't be afraid to do what God impresses on your heart. You're never "too young" , "too old", "too inexperienced", to serve the Lord. You will have seasons of waiting, times of discouragement and questioning, and days that seem more than you can handle, but don't always look for the easy way out. Seek God in prayer and ask for His strength and peace to do the things He wants you to do, and for discernment as you go forward. If God places something on your heart, listen to His guidance. He may have you wait for a long time before He grants you the ability to follow it, but don't settle for less because you feel small. God is so much bigger than we can fathom.
Dream dreams that will take work, time, and patience - and put your heart into them. We can all chase our small dreams - what about the dreams that take self sacrifice?
I don't want to leave my goals
To die in the dust
Just because the world won't support them.
I love to dream. I love crazy, hopeful, silly dreams that sometimes are only sorta based in reality. I love important, life changing, longing dreams that make me feel small, but remind me how much bigger God is. I love dreaming about the things I plan to do, and then creating and meeting goals to reach them. I love "plotting", planning, and wishing. I love dreams that seem a little crazy, but that I want enough to jump for - like visiting J. Grace Pennington for a week in Texas all by myself, though we'd never met face to face before, or taking on the seemingly daunting process of self publishing. I love seeing the outcome of so many of the dreams I've dared to reach for, as precious reminders that God listens.
People may not understand - "Why would you fly all the way to Texas to stay with a family you've never really met?" ... "Why would you self publish when you're so young and inexperienced?" ... "Why do you keep hoping for things that may never happen?" - but trying is sometimes half the battle. Yes, dreams don't always work out and plans fall through, but we'll never know if we don't try... and I don't think we'll try often, if we don't first dream...
I don't want to grow out of dreaming-
High, bright, full of wonder-
The type of dreaming that makes my heart soar,
Wrapped in the knowledge
God is guiding me.
I think too many dreams die before we even start because we don't put our hope in the One who can do all things. God is with us - why shouldn't we dream? Why shouldn't we continually ask for His blessing as we seek to live for Him? Why do we mentally limit what we think God can do?
He is in control, and though I must give my dreams over to Him time and again, I know they are safest in His hands. I love talking to God in almost childish delight about the things I'm dreaming of and watching Him work. He sometimes tells me 'no', or 'wait', but plenty of times in my short life I've seen how much wiser He is than I am. Even when it's difficult to let go, I want to rest all my dreams in Him. He is the reason I can dream.
Grace and I have been online friends for years, and this will be the second time I'll have been able to see her face to face. The last time was back in 2012 when I was 17, and I spent a week with her. 
