Endings - My Time As A CNA

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Yesterday was my last day at my Long Term Care job, as I am getting married in 14 days and moving to Pennsylvania afterward.

Honestly, my first impressions about this job was being told by my team while volunteering at the hospital, "We came from there - if you work there, be ready to run. It is crazy over there." I didn't much want to work there, but they were the first ones to offer me a job ... My first day of orientation a girl was crying and mad because she was getting mandated to stay for another shift. My first few weeks I struggled a lot with managing my time - something I continued to work through, my entire three years... I can not be and give everything I wish to, simply because - I don't have the time...

It's a job that can be hard on the emotions... I've had days there I've cried so hard I literally can't stop - or days where I've been so frustrated and weary it sits in my chest... I've had days where I've wondered if I really wanted to stay... I'm glad I did.

Because you know what? I've also laughed there - hugging elderly residents, singing with them in the bathroom while helping them with pajamas, listening to their stories of life. I've worked with some amazing people who I honestly don't know how they do all they do. I've been able to lead church services when the church group doesn't show up - and I've taken my little sister Virginia to visit so she can be an encouragement to them. I've had the honor of meeting some people of beautiful faith - who after all their years, tell me how God has been good to them. I've been able to comfort people in their grief and hold them tight in the tears and the pain. I've been able to love people where they're at, and give of God's love to them.

 I've learned to understand people in new ways... We all have pains, regrets, and weaknesses - but we also have our own set of strengths, joys, and triumphs. I believe I will always look at life a little bit differently, because I have been a CNA.

~Ophelia - Marie

Picture Credit: Link

Sending Out Roots

      First off, I'll preface this post with a bit of explanation. As a lot of you know, I'm getting married next month and thereafter moving from Michigan to Pennsylvania. I'm super excited and can't wait to move into this new stage of life.

     That being said - Goodbyes are hard... They always are for me. (And I've written a lot about goodbyes.) I'm getting to the point where I'm acknowledging that my relationship with a lot of people is getting ready to change. I won't physically be close any more, and it won't be so easy to go hang out.

     I was talking to a friend last week and told her, "I just love them so much! .... When I went away for the summer and came back, nine people quit - and some of them were people I really liked - but then these coworkers came, and now I love them too... I keep reminding myself that this reminds me there are always new people to know and love, wherever I go."

    Saturday I was a part of my best friend's wedding - (and there is a ton I could say about that, but it's not the topic I'm rambling about right now.) I had some time Friday night at rehearsal dinner, and again several times on Saturday, to reconnect with a mutual friend I hadn't seen in about a year.

     I've probably only met her less than half a dozen times, but seeing her, there is an easy sense of, "Oh. I love you." She is such a deep and thoughtful person who speaks well on God's love and is able to share His goodness. She amazes and delights me in the way she brings depth so seemingly easily into conversation. I thought about aspects of who Jesus is differently than I had before... It was simple goodness, sharing in fellowship together.

      At the reception, I also got to meet a fellow writer, and we talked about writing, the hardness of accepting critique, and where she hopes her business will go. We exchanged FB info, and I told her when she's ready, I'd try to point her to some people who have been helpful to me when I first was looking at Self-Publishing.

    Now what does all this have to do with each other?

   Sometimes all the goodbyes of different stages of life make it difficult for me to want to reach out my roots and make more connections in the moment.... But In many ways lately, I feel I've been reminded how worth-it it is to hold people tight and love them fully in the time I have.

    Love is a risk in a way. My heart can want to pull back a bit, the closer goodbyes come. A bracing against the sadness that I feel...

    But tomorrows are never promised... I never truly know when goodbyes are final... and I've found there is so much joy in loving people in the moments I'm given...

    Whether that's 8 months getting to know some new coworkers. Whether its a few hours with a girl who encourages my heart to see Jesus. Whether it's a conversation where I can encourage someone in their goals...

    Love is a good, good thing. God made us to love, and care for each other. To inspire, uplift, and encourage each other.

   Laugh if you will - but here's one of my plants... It's a broken off leaf from one of my bigger plants. There is a wound on it that I don't know how it happened, but it's still got a lot of life... I moved to a new pot in hopes that it would grow.

   

     And here are its roots... Roots that I'm so proud of, because I've waited weeks to see any sign of them...

     There are things in life that hurt us - perhaps wounds we don't even quite know how they happened, just that they grew over time. There are times - even good times - where we are moved from one place to another... And we can send out new roots. Roots to touch people, to give and receive life, and to better embrace the places God has put us.

    That is what I'm being shown again... The beauty of sinking roots in, and having joy in the times of life I'm living.

~ZA

Just Honest, Raw Joy

I had a rough week, emotionally. (The cry-so-hard-I-can-hardly-breathe and pretend-I'm-fine-to-most-people-when-I-really-feel-I'm-gonna-fall-apart kind of emotional...) But God kindly kept bringing reminders of His Love into my path through people around me... I don't know how to word the enormity of tonight, as simple as it is... I don't know why the Holy Spirit working always startles me so...

A friend messaged me asking for prayer for her stress, as this Christmas season is busy. So I recorded me praying, and sent it to her. And we talked a lot about the love of God, and how we love others. It was deep, and good, and though we talked nothing of my week, it helped heal some of that hurt.

Later, another friend messaged me back... I had asked how her Thanksgiving was... Somehow, God often has me message her when she needs a listening ear. And we talked, and I mostly listened - And I saw the beginnings of God answering the prayers of her heart.

Neither of them know how hard this week has been - or how I felt walled off in ways. God just said, "Here. Talk." and gave me people.

And then... as those conversations were over - God sent a third friend. She asked me, "How have you been?" God often sends her to me when I am overwhelmed in His goodness... She has been growing in so many ways this past year, and she has blessed me by sharing with me lessons she's learning... God makes me laugh at the perfect timing of sending her. I exploded joy to her of seeing God moving - and then she began to tell me how she's been seeing Him in her own life the past few weeks.

God is amazing - moving people separately so that each of us can speak life into each other, and see how God is moving in each of us...

Every time things like this happen, I'm knocked over with Joy - and I get to remember all over again, how much God is watching over my life, and the lives of those I love.

~ZA

Learning to Ask

So... It's hard for me to accept money gifts - it's hard for me to accept people taking me out to eat, or spur of the moment saying they're going to buy me something I said I like, but don't want to spend the money on just yet. It's the attitude of, "I can do it myself." and God has been breaking me of it. Slowly... Because even the other night I told my nurse, "No thank you." when she offered to buy me a snack - and when she insisted, I replied as I should've, "Thank you very much." It was an act of appreciation. It was the last time I'll be working with her for the summer. It was an act of kindness. I'm relearning to respond with simple gratitude when people give to me. Because honestly - I love it. When I let go of my misguided attitude, I am filled with gratitude.(That didn't meant to rhyme, but it did, so there ya go...) I love when people show their care for me by giving - perhaps because I love giving spur of the moment gifts so much myself. Now why is this on my mind this morning? I almost didn't do a GoFundMe page. After praying about it, I even opened an account - but then I stopped. "God. I can do this myself," I remember praying... and to try to be in the right spirit, I added, "I'm willing to give up this much to do this ministry You called me to." I didn't feel at peace about that prayer... but I was stubborn. When I was at my best friend's house about a week later, she told me, "You should start a GoFundMe." I had to sigh and laugh and tell her that God and I had been talking about it... And so I would make one... and regularly share it. And try... I would trust Him with this. I'm thankful I did. I kept telling Him, "Whatever I raise is more than I thought I would." ... Sometimes I feel God must simply smile at me and go, "Watch Me." I've raised so much more than I thought I would. People who I hardly know - people I //don't// know - people who I wouldn't ever have expected to give to me - and people I love and know - have blessed me. Last night I almost cried. This morning too. It's an overwhelming sense of, "Wow.... Wow..." Thank you to each of you who have asked about my summer, encouraged me to show the love of God, prayed with me, promised to pray for me, or given to my fund. All of life is a mission field. My nursing home job - these trips - everyday life - are all opportunities to show people who Jesus is. I find that rather humbling - for all the times I haven't spoken, and in the way that God can use me as I am - and exciting - because there is so much good left to be done and God knows what He is doing. I trust that God is going to do beautiful things this summer. Pray that God would overwhelm us with a sense of His Love and Joy - so starkly in contrast, that the world won't be able to help but stop and wonder. In Christ, ~ZA

Thoughts Of A Nurse Aid: Elderly People Need Love Too

I wrote this post awhile ago, back when I'd been at my job for nine months. Feb. 20, I'll have been there two years.

    Today I saw this video, and felt the need to share all this.

Youtube

       It's easy to take love for granted, until you begin to love those who don't feel loved at all.

       Mmm... So many of my residents don't take love for granted - even the smallest gestures can change their whole attitude... To me, one of the saddest things I heard a resident say after I hugged her was, "Thank you; that means so much...." She paused, and said kinda sadly, "You know, nobody hugs you when you get old." ... Those words hurt.

           Many of my people are lonely. They don't get hugs often at all, or get told, "I love you." or told, "I'm happy to see you today." They are away from their families, and miss a lot of the freedoms they used to have. Some of them can't speak anymore, or even get out of bed by themselves. Many of them have lost spouses, siblings, friends. Many of them have aches and pains... And they are just like you and me. They need to know that they are loved.

        A resident asked me a few days ago, "How did you get to be so loving?"
        I laughed and said, "I don't know, it just happened!" Then I stopped and said, "I have Jesus in my heart. He helps a lot."
       She said, "That's right honey. Jesus died for our sins."
       And for that moment... we were simply two Christians thinking about Jesus.

        There are elderly Christians in my building. They need to be reminded that they have purpose. They still delight God. They are still able to pray. God still hears them and loves them... You can see it in the lives of those who love God - their peace and strength in Him - but like any Christian, they need encouragement.

       God's love is the impression I want to leave. Gosh it can be hard - some days, honestly, I do what I do, and forget to try and be love - I go through the motions - doing my work, and my best, but not beyond that. Some days, I am tired and there are some residents who are mean - sharp worded, and never happy with what we do.... But I am still called to love - no matter the person, no matter my feelings. (I'm still working on loving certain people. There are some who are... hard to love... but I suppose they need it the most, don't they? Mmm.). Those who love me are reminders to me to focus on the positive, and to find joy in what I do because I can be there to serve and love.

Link

          You know what? Loving isn't easy...Sometimes I don't have a spirit of love and patience... And sometimes - love hurts.

         Towards the end of my shift tonight, I was thinking about the last 9 months of this job. My mind flitted to the aspect of death... (Not that anyone died today, but it's just on my mind.) It always feels wrong - even when I know it is coming. It always is just a bit surprising in a way... It's because we weren't made to die and in the depths of us, we feel the wrongness of it all.

        I've watched families grieve, both while their family member is fading, and after they've died. I've watched people in the process of dying. I've crouched beside a bed, and prayed a welcome into Heaven for a woman who had just gone to be with Jesus - oh, I could imagine her joy... I've gone away for some time off, and had a Christian resident I loved very much suddenly pass away while I was gone... Loving people who aren't going to be around much longer...that can hurt... Somehow though, it's not as mind-numbing as I thought it'd be... It reminds me to cherish the life I have, and love fully while I have the chance.

        In the beginning, I didn't know how I'd handle this job, emotionally. There are difficult aspects to it - usually I just talk about the joyful parts. But I feel I've found where God wants me, and He keeps teaching me... growing me... Giving me strength and love I didn't know I had. Ha - so much more patience than I ever dreamed I could muster... I can't do it without Him. You can tell me I do well - and yes, I do try - but all my trying wouldn't do that much without God with me. He is the reason I am who I am. I'm not doing anything special. I'm just bumbling through life, trying to follow Jesus... He tells us to love one another deeply from the heart.

        God is love... How are we showing His love to others? Do you ever consider - how are you showing love to the elderly, the shut-ins, the widows?

        To anyone who has an elderly family member in a nursing home - please, go visit them if you can. Love them. I know it can be hard - perhaps they don't remember you, perhaps they cry when you leave, perhaps they ask why they can't go home with you, perhaps they don't respond anymore... But please, please - show them you care. They are still people who need your love.

       And to anyone reading this - if you ever go visit a nursing home, please, show love to those around you. They need it - we all need that love. We need to reflect the light of Jesus...There is always hope.

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God bless,

~ Ophelia - Marie

Don't Accept Me As I Am - A Short Story

Pinterest

           This is based as a continuation to the story: 

I didn't fall in love with you - I fell into infatuation

** A Short Story - Work of Fiction **

    I hear all the time, "Just accept me as I am! Take it or leave it!"

   Some applaud this sentiment. "That's right! You tell them! Be yourself!"

   But you didn't accept me as I was... I'm grateful for that.

   There was a time before you loved me, where all I wanted was for you to accept me. That was at the height of my infatuation - a time where everything seemed light - exciting - happy. It was a time where I felt like nothing ever would come between us.  I wanted to see the appreciation in your eyes. I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted you to love me.

   And in time... you did. 

   We grew into love as we grew into trust. It was hard sometimes - truly loving you... truly letting you love me... The more we grew in love, the more we saw each other as we truly were - two broken people. Two broken people who each brought along our own struggles and problems.

   I remember the first time you told me, "You're hurting yourself."

   It was true... but I'd fought this problem alone for so long. It had been years since anyone had confronted me on this. I had let it become a part of me - even when it sunk me into darkness. I didn't believe that it was something I could change. Not anymore.

   I remember the fear that plunged into my chest so hard I shook; the anger that warmed my cheeks. The way I screamed - "Why can't you just accept me as I am?"

   I wanted to be accepted. What I didn't understand was how much I needed to be loved.

   Love doesn't look the other way as someone drinks poison. Love doesn't nod in agreement as someone stumbles off a cliff. Love doesn't try to cover gaping wounds with a bit of makeup and pretend the blood isn't crusting beneath.  Love wraps around the person - despite it all... but doesn't hide from the problem. Love doesn't accept the problem as healthy.

   You - you loved me.

   You never accepted my poison as good for me. You didn't accept me as I was in that moment... but you loved me where I was. You loved me enough to show me I was tearing myself apart. You didn't leave me alone. You brought me to God.

    We learned of each other's broken parts - the ones that infatuation hid for awhile, but Trust dragged out into the light. The way I avoided conflict until I exploded. The way you let anger cloud your judgement... All the ways we could take each other for granted, or use our words as weapons, or let our insecurities pull us apart.  

     It was in those moments we learned how to run to God together. It was a painful learning. We were far from perfect. We were far from always having it figured out. Love, trust, vulnerability - it takes being open to grow those... and it takes honesty to keep them alight.

    So we learned to pray together - to take our hurts to His Throne and ask for forgiveness.  We learned to find comfort in The Word, and seek wisdom within its pages. We learned more and more how broken we are - but how much more Good and Faithful God is. We learned to grow closer to God in the midst of our brokenness... We didn't accept this was all we'd ever be.

    We didn't accept each other where we were - but we loved each other through every step.

     I never truly needed you to accept me. What I needed was to love and be loved. What I needed was to be reminded of the love God has for me - no matter what... I see that kind of love reflected in the way we love each other.

    You didn't accept me as I was... I'm grateful for that.

~Ophelia - Marie Flowers

*Author's note-

       Again - this is not a story of  my own  romantic relationship experience, but it is written as one who knows friendships... and as one who is trying to write how I feel when I think about this.

    I admit to cringing almost every time I see, "Accept me as I am! Take it or leave it!"

   I understand the sentiment. I do. But part of me still winces.

    No. Please. Don't accept me as I am.  Please - don't accept me as I am. I don't need you to accept me as I am. Love me where I'm at... but have the strength to show me how to grow... Don't accept that this is all I'll ever be. 

      Some of my dearest friends are the ones who love me - truly love me - enough to not accept me totally as I am. I'm broken too - like you - like everyone else in this world... I want to be accepted, but what I really need is to be loved enough by others to be told, "Hey... I don't think that was a wise choice." ... "I care about you - so I need tell you that I think you're hurting yourself this way." ... "I know something's wrong. How can I pray for you?"

     We need to be that type of friend to each other... We don't need to learn to accept each other's poisons. We need to learn to love each other in the midst of them.

      Love me enough to help me grow in Christ. Let me love you enough to do the same for you. Let's show each other the Love of the Father.

Some Day I'll Be Older

Original Picture Link

To two residents I've grown to love:

      Some day I'll be older. I'll be stooped over and grey... I'll probably be as forgetful as I've always been - I'll tell the same stories a thousand times and laugh at the same old jokes. My already daily nap time will probably be a good bit longer. I'm sure I'll be reading and writing for as long as I'm able, and probably singing too, though my eyes may grow weak, my hands unsteady, and my voice wavery.

    Sometimes I think about what it'll be like to be old - to look back on my life and hope I spent my years well. I've met so many types of elderly people, and I wonder who I'll be like...

This is what I hope. 

I pray I'm like you.

When I am your age, I pray I'm as beautiful as you are.

         I pray I'll have a love for the Lord that is deeply visible. I pray that  I'll continue to see the good things in life - that I'll show God's love by being truly thankful. I pray that I'll still speak of God's goodness, and pray for others, and encourage those around me. I pray that others will say of me, "She's a joy to be with. I wish we had more people like her," like they do you. I pray others will see Jesus in me, like I see Him in you. I see Him so clearly in you.

       For now I'll continue to walk this life ahead of me. I'll seek to be joyful - to be in step with my Lord...  I wanted you to know that though I haven't had the pleasure of knowing you long -

  You have made an impact on me.

Proverbs 16:31

31 

Gray hair is a crown of splendor;

    it is attained in the way of righteousness.

~Ophelia - Marie

I didn't fall in love with you - I fell into infatuation - A Short Story

Original Picture From Pinterest

** A Short Story - Work of Fiction **

     They always ask me, “How did you fall in love?”

     That seems like a silly question... I've lived enough to realize I didn't fall in love. Maybe some people do, but we certainly didn't. No, I didn't fall in love with you.

     I fell into infatuation.

     It was born of admiration and idealistic notions, wrapped in the way you laughed and how, when you smiled, I wanted that smile to be at me. It was born of watching you speak, with confidence and compassion, and tangled with the way you calmly fixed problems. It was born of my longing for companionship, and yet peppered with my insecurities that said, “You're only maybe good enough for him.”

    Infatuation is a crazy creature. It knows it may not have a shot, but it's insanely curious. It reads into every teasing smile, every quick hug, every chance encounter. It hopes for lofty dreams of being totally loved and accepted, but doesn't much dwell on any hard work involved. Infatuation just.... imagines the best, with all the warm fuzzies. Infatuation, ah, it was full of colors and daydreams of tomorrows, even though I hardly knew you. All I knew was that I wanted to, no matter what it took.

    So I tried for your attention. You didn't at first take much notice... but I watched from a distance and tried a little harder. Finally you got the hint – it still makes me laugh as I remember the moment you finally understood I was interested. We talked awhile and then a little while more... for days, and then weeks. You made me laugh – I made you think. We talked about the world, God, and all our funny little wonderings. We opened up our hearts and began to be real...

    Then I fell out of infatuation... And grew into love.

    Loving you was harder... That first time we fought, I thought I'd mangled things beyond repair. I sobbed so hard I could hardly breathe. Part of me wanted to hide - that would be the easy way out. Part of me wanted to run away to a time before you... But I couldn't. It scared me... imagining life without you. And I realized, no matter how much it hurt, I was willing to fight for our friendship... There were difficult times, but I truly loved you in-spite of it... and I could see you loved me too.

     I apologized. You apologized... It really was a stupid little thing, knotted with misunderstandings. Hours of sorting out later, and we were once again friends. Just a little smarter.

     But that wasn't the only time we had a misunderstanding... And that wasn't the only time that loving you was painfully hard... I battled jealousy. I battled my fear of you leaving. I battled my fear of hurting you.... You had your own insecurities you brought.... Still, by God's grace we grew closer together. Loving you was hard, but it was so much better than infatuation.

     Love was born of knowing you – trusting you...

     It was born of sharing my deepest longings – then being shown what you were passionate about. It was born of tested promises, and wrapped with the long talks we had about life. Love was born of a dozen and a half times we apologized, and interwoven with the trust that grew. Love was born of being willing to sacrifice my time and my plans, and seeing you do the same for me. Love was born of aching under your sadness, and asking God to be your strength. Love was born of both joys and pains – growing stronger with every act of trust.

     I fell into infatuation, but I grew into love. That's what I tell people when they ask about falling in love.

Part 2 - Don't Accept Me As I Am

~Ophelia - Marie 

*Author's note - Admittedly, I've never been in a relationship - but I do know what it's like to be infatuated. And, in a friendship sense, I know what it's like to love - to struggle through the painful bits, and the misunderstandings, and yet only grow closer through it all... So, though this isn't a story I've experienced, I still feel qualified enough to write it. ;) I hope you enjoyed it... Maybe it made you think....

See - infatuation doesn't ask anything of you. Love does. Love takes work and self sacrifice. When you love someone, you are opening yourself up to the potential of getting hurt - they see you clear enough to know how to hurt you... When you love, you are agreeing, in a sense, to give up some of what you want, for their best, and to be there for them, no matter how you feel... But you do so because it's worth it... to know and and be known, to love and be loved... To love, in a pale reflection of the way God does. 

 Infatuation takes a moment's fancy - Love takes time and experience to grow.

I Don't Want To Grow Up - Beyond Caring

       This is the second post in my 'I Don't Want To Grow Up' series. The first post is entitled, 'I Don't Want To Grow Up - Beyond Dreaming'. 

I don't want to be so "grown up" that I no longer care.

I don't want to stop caring

Because I've put everyone in categorized bubbles

And they don't matter anymore.

       There are the people who "deserve our care" and then the people who "made wrong choices, and got what they deserved" - There are the people who, "Need our compassion", and the people who, "Need to just figure it out for themselves"- sadly, we hear this attitude all the time. We tend to rush in to help those who stumbled, but glare harshly at those who have habitually been walking on the edge of wrong choices (despite being told what would happen) and finally crumble under the weight of what they've done. We scold, and shake our heads, and throw out our words of, "We told you this would happen!" instead of showing compassion. The weight of our judgmental glances tell them that their chances are better out on the road.  

        Where would we be if God hadn't loved us, despite how messed up we are? Where would we be if He had left us to figure things out alone? Where would we be if we had to meet His standards, before He extended grace? Where would we be if our past kept us from finding a new future in Him? So much has been given to us that we've never deserved. We need to extend that same grace to others. 

        That doesn't mean people shouldn't be held accountable for their actions, and that there aren't real consequences for life choices people make. It doesn't mean we shouldn't try to tell people what will happen when we see them walking into sin. It doesn't mean we should turn a blind eye to what harmful things people do to themselves and others in the name of being "sensitive". It means... praying for the broken, talking to them, showing them the love of God by our lives and actions, and seeking to genuinely care about them as individuals, even when they aren't very "lovable"...

     

I don't want to see someone crying

And hurry away

Because I don't have time.

         I don't want to get to the point in life where my agenda becomes more important than caring for others. It takes time to talk to hurting people. It takes time to get to know them, be there for them, and understand why they are hurting. It isn't easy. It isn't even always rewarding. It isn't without cost, or without occasional confusion and pain. It isn't without mistakes, or times that seem impossible. 

           I know I can't be there for everyone. I know that I can't heal the pain. I know that I am not always the friend I should be. I know I can not be someone's strength. I know I can not fix what people crush. I know I don't have all the solutions, or even a handful of them, a lot of times. I know I am not strong enough to fully bear another's heartaches. I know I haven't always been obedient to reaching out when I had the chance. I know there are times I have to step back from a friendship. I know there are days I can't handle trying to be there, and have to take a break. I know I can't do everything... But I do know many things I can do, with God's strength.

        I know I can listen. I know I can show I care. I know I can offer my friendship. I know I can extend forgiveness. I know I can speak truth. I know I can look at things from another point of view and offer ideas. I know I can pray down on my knees and beg for God's healing, peace, and strength for others. I know that I can make a difference in someone's life, if that's what God has for me to do. 

         When it comes down to it, will you take the time to show you care? Will you put aside what is "convenient" to reach out? A lot of times you don't even have to do much, it seems... Pray and be there for people - that's what is needed the most. But like I said, that doesn't mean it's easy... It's being the hands and feet of Jesus. It's showing love to those who often don't know what love really means -  the hope that is bound up in a relationship with Jesus.

I don't want to look at people

And only wonder what they'll give me,

How they'll help me forward,

And if they are worth my time.

         Life is full of people who will either have the means to repay our caring in some way, or who won't.

          There are people who affirm those who love them in their pain, and there are those who react harshly to offered help. There are people who accept love and gentle reproof, and then there are people who appear colder to kindnesses and ignore (or sharply reply to) anything that isn't uplifting and affirming... There are those who seem easier to love, and there are those that are much harder to love.

     I work as a nurse aide in a long term care facility. Not all of my residents are lovable. (Many of them are wonderfully sweet though, and I absolutely love my job.) Some are unkind and demanding and always seem to be complaining... But God calls me to be loving and patient with them too. I don't always have the right attitude, but God has been teaching me again the meaning of caring for those who can and will give you nothing in return.

        As I was thinking about that, these verses came to mind:

Luke 14:12-14

12 Then Jesus said to his host, “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. 13 But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind,14 and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”

Matthew 5:46-47
 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 

I don't want to grow out of caring-

Deeply, truly caring-

The type of caring that makes me cry

Though I don't know their name,

Or fully understand their hurt.

           I don't want to stop being empathetic, even though it hurts. I want Him to break my heart 'til it moves my hands and feet. Mmm, I want to have a heart of compassion to those around me, and not become cynical to the brokenness. I want to love others with no half measures - loving them the best I know how, in God's strength.

          God has shown me such perfect love. He teaches me day by day to rest in Him, even when I struggle, and shows me that I am not alone. His grace is enough for me. How can I do any less than seek to love others in even a fraction of the way that He has loved me? He is the reason I can care.

I don't want to stop caring

Because I've put everyone in categorized bubbles

And they don't matter anymore.

I don't want to see someone crying

And hurry away

Because I don't have time.

I don't want to look at people

And only wonder what they'll give me,

How they'll help me forward,

And if they are worth my time.

I don't want to grow out of caring-

Deeply, truly caring-

The type of caring that makes me cry

Though I don't know their name,

Or fully understand their hurt.

Now my question for you is: How will you show you care?

~Ophelia - Marie

The Power Of Empathy

Fitting In - A Ramble...

       

    This is one of my 'not totally thought out' type of posts. ;) But all these thoughts are bopping in my head, so here I go.

     Do you ever get the feeling that you're meant to fit in, but you're not totally sure where? Do you know what it feels like when you go away from somewhere, and when you come back enough has changed that you're not sure where you belong exactly? ... Even if that feeling is kinda absurd overkill? And... you know it?

    I went to Grace Adventures Camp this weekend to volunteer in the kitchen and hang out with people. I've worked at Grace Adventures in the past (Summers 2011 and 2012, four months each time) and it was an important blessing in my life as I was growing up. When telling about life changing events in my life, Camp inevitably comes up. There I learned a lot of confidence, job experience, and how to be a better leader. I've been away for over a year, but not much time can ever pass without me thinking fondly of Camp.

      Going back was an odd feeling - I know several people on staff, but there were many more unknown people than there were known ones. Some things were the same as they'd always been, and still other things had changed - several of the people I knew, teased and saw every day have moved to other states and are no longer around... I know how to serve and help out, and yet I had to watch again to try and be in sync with the new kitchen team.

      Over this weekend I was again reminded of a few attitudes that I have to strive against. One in particular... the "I don't fit in, and I don't know how to try" attitude. I did "fit in" and yet I had to fight the voice inside that kept telling me I didn't. 'Not any more.'

         I'm a person who longs to know my place. (Who doesn't?) Seriously, there's a part of me that says I'm not wanted when I enter a new group... when I'm not sure where I connect. I don't want to feel like I'm invading. And that's truly at times what I feel I am - an outside invader, trying to fit where I used to, but no longer have the right connections. I'm on the outside of the inside jokes - I'm the tagger-along in an all ready close group - I'm the random extra person. It's looking in, and knowing where I should fit -where I want to fit - , and exactly what I wish to accomplish, and fighting that little voice in my head that says... This is unfamiliar. You're not certain what you're doing. These people don't want you around. You should stop breaking into the conversation and be quiet and let them be with their friends. You shouldn't invite yourself to go along. You should stick with the people you know, and if they're not around, then go wait and don't bother anyone else.

      Annoying little voice. I don't know why I never seem to shake it.

      Oh, you probably wouldn't know it looking at me, that it's dancing in my head. You wouldn't know that I feel kinda awkward asking to come hang out with you, when we just met. You wouldn't probably have guessed that there was a time in the last few days when I felt I was talking to much and told myself I wouldn't speak up again until I was addressed (ha, that took like, maybe a minute before I was being asked questions again and chattered to.) . You wouldn't know, that  several times right before I get lost in the freedom of teasing and goofiness and sarcasm, I'm wondering if I'm being a pest. Why don't you know?

    Because I've learned to disregard it, usually. I've learned to try and outright go against it. I've learned to step out of my comfort zone. I've learned that my feelings are often not rational reflections of reality. I've learned that if I want to be with people, I should let it be known, not expect others to read my mind. I've learned to seize the moment and take joy at being with other believers.

    Life is much too short to wait around for opportunities to come to me. I can either wait on the sidelines, or I can jump in feet first. I can either be quiet until I'm comfortable, or I can let me be myself. Yeah, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I feel awkward.  But it's usually so worth it.

      This weekend was worth it.

      I spent so much time laughing and teasing. I went to the sand dunes and watched the fire works while listening to silly commentary of the other staff. I went along to the drive thru of McDonalds so I could talk to staff on the drive there, and then went on a "Kitchen Raid" back at camp at about midnight when the line for the McDonalds was too long. I went to Country Dairy and had ice cream, got licked by a cow, and got to spend time with some great people. I went to a camp fire out in the woods, sang songs, shared  a poem and discussed poetry/writing, talked about books, and got startled when someone jumped out of the dark woods while we were walking back with flashlights. I hung out in the staff lounge, joined conversations, exchanged writing with someone, and left a copy of a poem I wrote on the table for others to read.

     I know this weekend was good by especially how much it stung my heart to leave. Given time, I think I would've wanted to keep several of those people as new friends, (I'm not sure how well I'll be able to keep up with them now.) and while time was short, it was a joyful and enjoyable time. I had fun, made connections with people, and walked away feeling blessed.

     So to anyone who ever feels like me... Take a chance, strive to make connections and have fun, and... don't be afraid to be silly. ;) You may very well find that you had a much more encouraging time than you anticipated if you simply try.

    And to everyone on staff who hung out with me, thank you. Y'all were very welcoming, and I loved getting to know you, and appreciated that you took the time to ask questions and get to know me a bit better. I pray God blesses the rest of your time of ministry.

~Ophelia - Marie

Without Complaining

           
             We've been having some really great discussions in Sunday School as we've been going through the book, Philippians: Christ, the Source of Joy and Strength by John MacArthur. Yesterday, the focus was on Philippians 2:14-16:

Philippians 2:14-16

English Standard Version (ESV)

14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing, 15 that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.

             "Modern Western society is the most prosperous culture in the history of mankind, and also arguably the most discontented society ever. As the economy has become increasingly richer, people appear more discontent and complain more with each passing generation. Fueling that enchantment is the conviction that personal happiness, though elusive and unattained, is the supreme objective of life. 

            The church is not immune to this. Believers' failure to willingly, even joyfully, submit to God's providential will is a deep-seated and serious sin. Discontentment and complaining are attitudes that can become so habitual they are hardly noticed. But those twin sins demonstrate a lack of trust in His providential will, boundless grace, and infinite wisdom and love. Consequently, those sins are especially odious in His sight and merit His discipline. To deal with the complainers in the Philippian congregation, Paul first commanded them to stop complaining, then gave them reasons for obeying that command."
 ~ Philippians: Christ, the Source of Joy and Strength by John MacArthur

       My happiness isn't to be the end objective. Being a servant of Christ to bring Him glory should be my goal. Obedient. Loving. Set apart. We are called to "shine as lights in the world". We are called to "hold fast to the word of life". What if... What if we tried to make a contentious decision to not only try to avoid saying things that are negative, but also mentally and verbally tried to focus on the positive? Ha, we should be doing this anyway, but it's easy to slip into being more negative than positive.

       Mirriam Neal recently wrote a blog post entitled: Say 'No' To Negativity. (Ha, I just remembered I wanted to read her post, and by the title *grins* I was right that it'd fit with what I'm rambling about..) .. In it, she shares a good goal - try not to say anything negative for three days. My first thought was, "Wow I don't know if I can......" but it's something I should try. I'm going to try to stop saying anything negative for three days. I'm not sure how it'll go, but I'm going to try.

       I'll admit, I'm not always good at focusing on the positive. There are days when it seems one thing after another goes wrong and I'm mentally going over all the things that should have been done differently. Last week I had one of those days, and I could feel myself getting flustered. Thank God, He helped me realize the attitude I was having, and with prayer and a redirection of my focus, the rest of the day went much better.

       *Half grin* Yeah, I've thought about the need to be positive before, but I've never really thought about trying to say nothing negative for any length of time... And there I go again, thinking of all the ways this is going to be hard. Hmm, but we'll never get anywhere in life if we don't at first try, no matter what misgivings we have. And what's the worse that can happen? I won't be as positive as I might prefer, and I'll need to pray and try again... Try again to smile, focus on God's blessings, and pray for His guidance moment by moment.

        Ha, this is going to be an interesting challenge... Would you like to join me? :) ;)


        **Update** So, trying not to say anything negative for three days was hard, and I didn't fully succeed. Still, I found that keeping this in mind made me more aware of any negative thoughts, and I caught myself several times from saying things I might've otherwise said. All in all, this has been a good reminder to be more aware of the things I say.

~Ophelia - Marie