Sending Out Roots

      First off, I'll preface this post with a bit of explanation. As a lot of you know, I'm getting married next month and thereafter moving from Michigan to Pennsylvania. I'm super excited and can't wait to move into this new stage of life.

     That being said - Goodbyes are hard... They always are for me. (And I've written a lot about goodbyes.) I'm getting to the point where I'm acknowledging that my relationship with a lot of people is getting ready to change. I won't physically be close any more, and it won't be so easy to go hang out.

     I was talking to a friend last week and told her, "I just love them so much! .... When I went away for the summer and came back, nine people quit - and some of them were people I really liked - but then these coworkers came, and now I love them too... I keep reminding myself that this reminds me there are always new people to know and love, wherever I go."

    Saturday I was a part of my best friend's wedding - (and there is a ton I could say about that, but it's not the topic I'm rambling about right now.) I had some time Friday night at rehearsal dinner, and again several times on Saturday, to reconnect with a mutual friend I hadn't seen in about a year.

     I've probably only met her less than half a dozen times, but seeing her, there is an easy sense of, "Oh. I love you." She is such a deep and thoughtful person who speaks well on God's love and is able to share His goodness. She amazes and delights me in the way she brings depth so seemingly easily into conversation. I thought about aspects of who Jesus is differently than I had before... It was simple goodness, sharing in fellowship together.

      At the reception, I also got to meet a fellow writer, and we talked about writing, the hardness of accepting critique, and where she hopes her business will go. We exchanged FB info, and I told her when she's ready, I'd try to point her to some people who have been helpful to me when I first was looking at Self-Publishing.

    Now what does all this have to do with each other?

   Sometimes all the goodbyes of different stages of life make it difficult for me to want to reach out my roots and make more connections in the moment.... But In many ways lately, I feel I've been reminded how worth-it it is to hold people tight and love them fully in the time I have.

    Love is a risk in a way. My heart can want to pull back a bit, the closer goodbyes come. A bracing against the sadness that I feel...

    But tomorrows are never promised... I never truly know when goodbyes are final... and I've found there is so much joy in loving people in the moments I'm given...

    Whether that's 8 months getting to know some new coworkers. Whether its a few hours with a girl who encourages my heart to see Jesus. Whether it's a conversation where I can encourage someone in their goals...

    Love is a good, good thing. God made us to love, and care for each other. To inspire, uplift, and encourage each other.

   Laugh if you will - but here's one of my plants... It's a broken off leaf from one of my bigger plants. There is a wound on it that I don't know how it happened, but it's still got a lot of life... I moved to a new pot in hopes that it would grow.

   

     And here are its roots... Roots that I'm so proud of, because I've waited weeks to see any sign of them...

     There are things in life that hurt us - perhaps wounds we don't even quite know how they happened, just that they grew over time. There are times - even good times - where we are moved from one place to another... And we can send out new roots. Roots to touch people, to give and receive life, and to better embrace the places God has put us.

    That is what I'm being shown again... The beauty of sinking roots in, and having joy in the times of life I'm living.

~ZA

Again and Again - I'll Ask You

Plane picture from my last journey to TX.

    Tomorrow I'm flying to Dallas TX for a dear friend's wedding. ^_^  It's still hard to grasp that I'm going...It won't feel quite real until I'm on the plane, haha.

Grace and I have been online friends for years, and this will be the second time I'll have been able to see her face to face. The last time was back in 2012 when I was 17, and I spent a week with her. 

   The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to ask God about the life choices I'm making. He's the Creator of time itself - He knows my life, and so I ask Him about it. Between it being a big financial choice - a plane ticket and a hotel room -  and a couple other reasons, I prayed and asked God to make it very clear if should go. Specifically, I asked God to help me have money over and above my regular paycheck.

      So I prayed about it.

     On December 13th, while sitting in a parking lot, about to go in to get my wheel changed on my car, I said, "Maybe it's best not to go." I remember gripping the steering wheel and looking out at the snow and feeling... torn.

    Those were words to hold back my emotions from simply making a decision. I was weighing options - wondering what was best. I'd been told several times that, "That's a lot of money to spend on a weekend away." And yes, I understand that, - buuut it's my friend's wedding...  And so I warred in my mind, and with others' opinions of my finances. That was the day I decided that without a clear answer, maybe I was supposed to stay home.

     When I got back from the car dealership, my mom - who knew nothing of my prayers - informed me that instead of Christmas presents, my grandparents were sending us money. It was such a direct answer to prayer, I couldn't contain my joy. God? You answered me that clearly?

     But it still wasn't enough to cover what I needed, so I prayed again that night... Because it's good to ask.

      The next day, December 14, I got a message on my FB Clay-Art page, asking if I'd be available to teach clay-figure making at a kids birthday party. *Laughs* It's then that I knew that I knew that I'd be going to the wedding. I was totally able to cover my flight expenses.

      I remember sitting on my bedroom floor, rocking back and forth and laughing and almost crying. Because how else do you explain this, but God's goodness to me? How could I find words for that overwhelming, flooring joy? God had answered me twice, one day after another. And if God had answered me financially, then I trusted that I'd be able to take a three day weekend off from work to travel. He answered that too.

      God isn't some genie in the sky who grants all our wishes. But I believe we'd more readily see His blessings if we prayed more... I wouldn't have seen God's blessings so deeply if I hadn't asked Him to provide for me - perhaps I would have still received the blessing, but I wouldn't have been so floored by His grace. Prayer reminds me to be grateful for His goodness to me. Prayer gives me conversation and connection with my God - a way to hear His voice. Prayer allows me to better see His guiding hand in every facet of life. He is so Good.

    Tomorrow I am flying out on a grand, short little adventure that God blessed me with. Saturday I get to see my friend enter joyfully into marriage. What a beautiful joy.

       Again and again - I'll ask You, God. I'll ask You, and I'll listen. I know You see better than I do.

Edit:

To God be the glory,

~ZA

Just Honest, Raw Joy

I had a rough week, emotionally. (The cry-so-hard-I-can-hardly-breathe and pretend-I'm-fine-to-most-people-when-I-really-feel-I'm-gonna-fall-apart kind of emotional...) But God kindly kept bringing reminders of His Love into my path through people around me... I don't know how to word the enormity of tonight, as simple as it is... I don't know why the Holy Spirit working always startles me so...

A friend messaged me asking for prayer for her stress, as this Christmas season is busy. So I recorded me praying, and sent it to her. And we talked a lot about the love of God, and how we love others. It was deep, and good, and though we talked nothing of my week, it helped heal some of that hurt.

Later, another friend messaged me back... I had asked how her Thanksgiving was... Somehow, God often has me message her when she needs a listening ear. And we talked, and I mostly listened - And I saw the beginnings of God answering the prayers of her heart.

Neither of them know how hard this week has been - or how I felt walled off in ways. God just said, "Here. Talk." and gave me people.

And then... as those conversations were over - God sent a third friend. She asked me, "How have you been?" God often sends her to me when I am overwhelmed in His goodness... She has been growing in so many ways this past year, and she has blessed me by sharing with me lessons she's learning... God makes me laugh at the perfect timing of sending her. I exploded joy to her of seeing God moving - and then she began to tell me how she's been seeing Him in her own life the past few weeks.

God is amazing - moving people separately so that each of us can speak life into each other, and see how God is moving in each of us...

Every time things like this happen, I'm knocked over with Joy - and I get to remember all over again, how much God is watching over my life, and the lives of those I love.

~ZA

Learning to Ask

So... It's hard for me to accept money gifts - it's hard for me to accept people taking me out to eat, or spur of the moment saying they're going to buy me something I said I like, but don't want to spend the money on just yet. It's the attitude of, "I can do it myself." and God has been breaking me of it. Slowly... Because even the other night I told my nurse, "No thank you." when she offered to buy me a snack - and when she insisted, I replied as I should've, "Thank you very much." It was an act of appreciation. It was the last time I'll be working with her for the summer. It was an act of kindness. I'm relearning to respond with simple gratitude when people give to me. Because honestly - I love it. When I let go of my misguided attitude, I am filled with gratitude.(That didn't meant to rhyme, but it did, so there ya go...) I love when people show their care for me by giving - perhaps because I love giving spur of the moment gifts so much myself. Now why is this on my mind this morning? I almost didn't do a GoFundMe page. After praying about it, I even opened an account - but then I stopped. "God. I can do this myself," I remember praying... and to try to be in the right spirit, I added, "I'm willing to give up this much to do this ministry You called me to." I didn't feel at peace about that prayer... but I was stubborn. When I was at my best friend's house about a week later, she told me, "You should start a GoFundMe." I had to sigh and laugh and tell her that God and I had been talking about it... And so I would make one... and regularly share it. And try... I would trust Him with this. I'm thankful I did. I kept telling Him, "Whatever I raise is more than I thought I would." ... Sometimes I feel God must simply smile at me and go, "Watch Me." I've raised so much more than I thought I would. People who I hardly know - people I //don't// know - people who I wouldn't ever have expected to give to me - and people I love and know - have blessed me. Last night I almost cried. This morning too. It's an overwhelming sense of, "Wow.... Wow..." Thank you to each of you who have asked about my summer, encouraged me to show the love of God, prayed with me, promised to pray for me, or given to my fund. All of life is a mission field. My nursing home job - these trips - everyday life - are all opportunities to show people who Jesus is. I find that rather humbling - for all the times I haven't spoken, and in the way that God can use me as I am - and exciting - because there is so much good left to be done and God knows what He is doing. I trust that God is going to do beautiful things this summer. Pray that God would overwhelm us with a sense of His Love and Joy - so starkly in contrast, that the world won't be able to help but stop and wonder. In Christ, ~ZA

Dear 21 Year Old

I'm 21 today - January 5, 2016... this is strange sort of letter I wrote to myself - from the outside, looking in...

 A letter to remind myself.

* * *

      Dear 21 year old... I keep looking at where you are today and smiling. You smile back in your wild sort of way - where your eyes scrunch, you show all your teeth, and you look as if you might start laughing. 20-year-old you - me - has lived her year... Now it's time to walk into a new one.

   Today's not where you dreamed to be - and yet I think you're fairly content with where you are.

      I know where you wanted to be... As a little girl, all you ever wanted to be was a mother someday. You never had another answer - even when the other little girls wanted to train horses, or be a doctor, or design clothes... Always your answer was, "I want to be a mama like mine someday."

      Even when you hid that answer with, "I don't know what I want to be" because some people didn't accept your answer - you still believed deep down that that's what you wanted to be.

        I still see that girl... dear little 21 year old, I see that little girl in you. But she's grown up a lot. She has not given up on that hope, but she no longer feels like she's waiting. She is not waiting for life to begin - she is living life as it comes. She has become a lover of people in different ways that fill her heart. She is content most days - and loud, and joyful - and some may even say a she's a little bit weird... but she's happy with that too. (Haha - Honestly I think she's rather comfortable with the term "weird".)

    She's looking at this next year and seeing the ways she can serve. She's ready to run into this new year... She's not so worried about the future she used to cling to - if she'll ever be married to someone who will be her best friend and leader, or have children to love, or if she'll get to homeschool those little ones. She's not so fearful about the future because she's trying to pray about the present... She's finally realized that God can and does mightily use her outside of her plans... She's finding His plans are more than she imagined - deeper, wider, better - more.

    I saw her the other day laughing... because she was marveling at the enormity of God. I saw her standing in the rain with her hands above her head. I saw her singing at the top of her lungs. I saw her fiercely hugging someone precious to her. I saw her loving the people she has in her life... I saw her feeling more alive than ever, because she's found herself wrapped closer to God.

     She's not perfect... and I've seen her struggle. I've seen her cry. I've seen her whisper, "It's too much. I'm afraid." I've seen her bend under weight she isn't meant to carry, and  I've seen her angry - though she doesn't let most people see it. I've seen her weary and discouraged. I've seen her lose sight of the basic truth - that God loves her immensely more than she can comprehend...

     And then again - I've seen God bring her through each part of that. I've seen God bring friends to tell her God's grace. I've seen God answer her seemingly littlest prayers because He cares; and I've seen Him answer prayers she never thought to hope for. I've seen God teach her about hope again and again. I've seen God send her blessings and hold her when she's cried. I've seen God remind her to run to Him in times of struggle - and given her words to remind others. I've seen God be faithful to her... and I know He'll continue to be.

      I see that little girl grown up... I see you little 21 year old...

      At fourteen years old, you wrote a letter to your 20 year old self, and tied it up with string. These were the last words of the letter:

As you go into this next year, I want you to ponder that question.

Are you living your Christian life to the fullest?

And what does that look like?

      To you - to me - to the person who's reading this right now -

      Don't be afraid to walk into this next year. I know there are uncertainties you don't know how to face but you are standing beside a God who keeps His promises - a God who swears by Himself because He is so great. 

Look at the way He Loves you. 

Pray, believing that He's a loving Father who wants to hear you.

Run with joy next to Him.
Sit in trust at His feet.

Dance in delight on the days He gives you that strength.

 Be a light that others see Jesus reflected in... 

and stop trying to do things in your own strength. 

Willing as a little child, grasp tight again to the nail scarred hands 

of your Father who knows the way. 

He will never let you go, and He wants you to remember 

He is with you - no mater where you are today... 

Dear little child of God - when you're trusting in the Almighty, the best is yet to come. 

~Ophelia - Marie Flowers

I Don't Want To Grow Up - Beyond Wonder

               This is the fifth (and last) post in my 'I Don't Want To Grow Up' series. The other posts are on the topics of not growing up beyond Dreaming, Caring, Playing and Hoping.

I don't want to be so "grown up" that I no longer wonder.

I don't want to stop living with wonder

Because I let it be drained away

And life is now only routine.

            It's easy to start going through the motions in life, especially when things get in busy routine. Get up, do this or that, go to work, do what needs to be done, come home, go to sleep, and do it all over again the next day. We often see generally the same people, have generally the same interactions, and just... do it again and again. Time marches on, and  we can get in the mindset of, "just another day."

       Let me tell ya though, just because life has routine, doesn't mean we have to become complacent. What if today, starting right now, you told yourself you were going to try to do your very best in everything for the next twenty-four hours? Everything.

        What if you tried to have a good attitude, even when you didn't feel like it? What if you answered everyone kindly, and tried to get along? What if you looked at whatever tasks you have to do today and tried to do your utmost best? ... What if you looked at the world with wonder at the fact that God is holding it all together and let that reminder spring you forward into facing your day?

       Know a good way to keep from getting complacent? Every day seek to pray for someone you never have before, no matter how well you know them -  Also pray for your friends, family, and leaders. Pray blessing into their life, and ask God to send them His overabundant joy. Look for ways to encourage others. Find something specific to thank God for giving you today. It's harder to become complacent when you're placing your focus on God and others. It's an intentional choice. (I'm not always good at remembering this, but I find the days I go into with prayer, are days that I more easily see God's hands at work.)

I Don't Want To Go Through The Motions - Matthew West

I don't want to release these bits of life

In favor of being mature

And unknowingly become cynical.

         It's all around us, ya know. There seems to be this notion that to be mature means to be stiff... or more... formal... To lose the sense of fun, and to become someone who only day to day does what is required of them. We become used to the wonders around us, and stop finding the same joy in them. But I don't believe that's how it should be. *Came across this beautiful post* :

          "As we grow up, our mystery somehow decreases. Confronted with unnumbered wonders, we sigh and chew in gladless presumption. Our knowledge increases, but our wonder evaporates.

       All of life is a kind of weary presumption. We have unspeakable kindnesses heaped upon us and we pout about the earth, grumbling under our breath.

       It seems to me that maturity (of the best kind: growing up in Christ) is mostly demonstrated by instinctual gratitude and unprovoked gladness. And unprovoked isn’t quite right the right word. It will only seem such. For as we grow, won’t our hearts be awakened to the wonders everywhere to be seen, so that everyday we live and breathe and have God’s unmerited favor we are overwhelmed with thankfulness? We will always be provoked." ~ S. D. Smith, The Rabbit Room, The Sad Evaporation Of Wonder And Its Ancient Antidote  

I don't want to grow out of looking in wonder-

Dancing, knowing, touching the gloriousness of being alive-

           I want to look at life and have moments where the joy of being alive can't be contained. Do you know that feeling? *Grins* It's kinda hard to put into words. That joy when I've seen God answer a prayer, and I can see so clearly how He worked it out. That joy when I've had a hard day, but God sends someone to encourage me. That joy when I feel an overwhelming sense of love from my Heavenly Father, and I'm reminded all over again how much He cares for me. 

           Or things like this - simple little things - like listening through music and suddenly realizing how perfectly this song fits with what I'm trying to say. "You are the song, You are the song I'm singing. You are the air, You are the air I'm breathin'. You are the hope, You are the hope I'm needing - You are." I want to have the type of wonder that I know God is the song of my heart, the life I need like the air, and that He is the hope driving me to live with abandon. (Aaand, there goes another song that fits this post. *Adds it to the end*)

You Are - Colton Dixon

The type of wonderment that makes me treasure moments,

Holding fast to the knowledge,

That life is beautiful in Christ.

          There's a quote by Doctor Seuss that says, "Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."

          That's why when something makes you happy, treasure it. Don't hesitate to tell people you love what they mean to you. Don't assume things will stay the same - but don't let that make you afraid. Let that knowledge fill you with passion to care... If your moments are to become memories, make them worth remembering. If you are to become a memory to someone, may that memory point to Jesus and the wonderful difference He has made in your life.

         Each moment is precious. Some are hard, some are long, some seem more than we can bear... but I know that life is held by God. Life is beautiful because Christ is in it, and He holds us every step of the way. He is the reason I can live with joyous wonder. Remember that. Marvel in that truth.

Live With Abandon - Newsboys

Ah, may we never cease to find wonder in the world around us. To live with abandon. 

To shine the light of Christ.

To dream and care and play and hope...
To live life in awe of God's unchangeable grace.

I don't want to stop living with wonder

Because I let it be drained away

And life is now only routine.

I don't want to release these bits of life

In favor of being mature

And unknowingly become cynical.

I don't want to grow out of looking in wonder-

Dancing, knowing, touching the gloriousness of being alive-

The type of wonderment that makes me treasure moments,

Holding fast to the knowledge,

That life is beautiful in Christ.

Now my final question for you is: How will you continue to live with wonder?

~Ophelia - Marie